Thursday, March 17, 2011

Did a weight get lifted from my shoulders?

Ah! the magic of therapy... in my rationalizing mode I was able to discern sometime today how I have been original, how I am not a fake, how I must give myself credit for what I've achieved and how I haven't failed anyone. I did get a higher education degree and it did take me a year to research and write a thesis on international terrorism, I did win prizes and spelling bees in grade school and I did belong in the honor roll all those times I was a straight A student. Where the notion that I'm a fake came, I still haven't a clue, but I will figure it out.
In the meantime, this little piece of insight helps me somewhat to deal with my current situation, where I feel so discredited and unrecognized in the workplace; then again, the therapist is right to remind me that whatever I do I must do to feel better and if doing or not doing something has the opposite effect, that's something to try and change. "What you want is to lift yourself up, not dig the hole deeper."
Life is hard, people are sneaky, but I still am capable, whole, good hearted, loved, sincere, and need the responsible, caring, charming me to come around every once in a while, to put the critical, lackadaisical, me at ease for even a few hours.
I need to develop a plan of tasks to complete and little by little build a stash of accomplishments to feel proud of, along with making the gratitude bag fatter.

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