Monday, May 23, 2011

what is your point, exactly? You're pissing me off!

I know you're up there, please hear me!
It is one of those nights where I constantly wonder what the hell I'm doing here. There has to be a reason, I know, and if I walk by Faith and works I shouldn't question this.
However, I snap with husband~ hence the title of this post due to the whole work thing and becoming aware that people look at this space during work hours and how this is not intended for that and my husband lecturing me and finally my having to edit-remove my previous post,
due to my considering doing a bit of housecleaning on FB,
due to hormones,
due to the goddamn clogged sink and the nausea it brings me,
due to the inability to work in the garden because I seem to have developed a fear and disgust of snakes,
due to my frustration with our budget and the cost of life,
due to my increasing weight,
due to my clothes not fitting,
due to not really trusting someone else with my daughter,
due to not exercising as I must,
due to our work schedules (circle back to not trusting others with my daughter and the frustrating budget) of those nights where the the back ache is so strong, the silence is so thick, the size of the house really tiny, the old stove and sink too old, the basement a damn dungeon, and the only thing that breathes love and hope is my daughter, so innocent and beautiful, so perfect.
And I realize that's what I'm doing here, that's what I'm here for now. No matter how broke I am, how broken I feel, no matter how many times I ask myself how long I can live like this, in this house about to fall apart, where we can at least afford the mortgage and attempt to leave within our means. No matter how many times I try to find the moment in time where I stopped being prosperous and began sinking into mediocrity, or when I let envy and pride sneak into my heart. There's someone who needs me and always smiles at me, just for me, for who I am in her eyes, at least for now, when she is so small and tender and miraculously innocent and full of God's love.
And in her world, there is no money, no work schedules, no fear, there are no bitter tears. And I pray I can be strong for her, and I pray we can get ahead, and I pray for resentments to vanish in all areas of my life. 

for the sake of peace

After being lectured by my husband, I have edited this post bordering in freedom of expression issues but I'm too tired to fight over it.

kitties always make us smile, right?
I wish I knew how the issue was addressed.
I believe this person was actually told that I complained about her attitude and I also believe this hinders and jeopardizes the no-retaliation policy that a workplace must protect and provide its employees. Now, I'm the one who brought the matter to my manager's attention, for the simple reason that lately it appears that anything goes in the workplace. Regardless (or especially)if you have a friendship relationship with a person you met at work, when you're at work there are standards and expectations and we are ALL subjected to them, I don't care who you are, or if someone "triggered it" we are all responsible for keeping our emotions and frustrations in check and therefore, if your behavior is unacceptable, then that's what it should be addressed as. Own it, make amends if you can, and don't blame others for your disrespectful attitude.
Yes, I agree in the general concept of forgive and forget, however there has seemed to be a double standard in place, let me explain:
Let's suppose for a minute that it was me who reacted that way, pointed my finger, yelled and walked way; like I explained to my manager, I would have gotten into a lot of trouble and probably would not have heard the end of it from her and my fellow co-workers, because "how dare I treat dear nice social butterfly lady like that". So, who comes out on my defense? Myself, the good old company handbook, (hopefully) my manager, and the HR people we all may contact when in doubt.
I did receive feedback from my manager, and I appreciate that. I was made aware that in others' point of view, I was yelling as well; I honestly do not recall it that way, and I disputed that. I do believe that I just happened to be the target of the aggression but it probably wasn't intended to be, as it could have been directed at anyone present but it happened to be me because I was right in front of her and I did ask the person to calm down.
Again maybe due to how this whole thing was addressed, I could have lost a friend and although I'm willing to be civil in the workplace, it appears at times that people are not willing to adhere to the courtesy guidelines the company (and maybe society, depending on where you grew up it seems)requires of all of us, and apparently ignoring your co-workers selectively is written between the company handbook's lines as appropriate behavior. Yes, that's what it is! Since EVERYONE does this, ignore co-workers selectively is definitely the way to go and this is how to do it:
-Do not make eye contact or say good morning or goodbye (extend this behavior to your relatives if they happen to be around)
-Don't ever smile at them
-Have a dry even angry look on your face at all times when the selected person is nearby
-Be (super) nice to others, however, skipping the selected individual
Hey, I do it to certain I know how it feels!
I end this post with a smile, noting that we all have stories, we all have good nights and bad mornings, our lives converge and sometimes we can't help it, but if I want to better serve God, I must forgive and forget, and let the other people be, but stand up for myself and justice when my conscience begs me to. That is all I did.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

yo lo unico que les pedi

Es que no me metieran en enredos y que cuando terminaran lo hicieran de forma madura. Las dos se portaron como ninas y menos mal que mi amiga de 18 anios sigue siendolo, pero la otra que trabaja donde yo trabajo en mi misma area ha sido cada vez mas grosera conmigo. Lo que ahora nos lleva a mi post del 12 de mayo. Y ahora bueno, todo parece indicar que "si no fue tuyo (amistad en este caso), dejalo ir" resulta muy verdadero. Lo incomodo del asunto es que tengo que ver a esta persona del diario (por lo regular) y como dijo mi marido "por una extrania razon le cae bien a todo el mundo". Ugh. Y como yo no estoy ahi por mucho tiempo durante el dia, bueno ya se imaginaran la de historias que esta entretenida personita ha creado, supongo. Pero lo que no sabes no te puede lastimar entonces me dare por no enterada.

En fin, maniana sera otro dia, otra oprtunidad de ser humildes y evitar ser humillados ;-)
Por cierto, mi amiga ya tiene otra pareja, tan tan. 

Friday, May 13, 2011

blogger deleted my post from yesterday...

Cozumel May 2010
What a pain in the ass. I had actually written a very decent post yesterday and now it's gone...I hope they get it back at least in my drafts. I am very upset.

So, in attempt to think of better times and days, a photo from our trip last spring to Cozumel.
It must be working...There are so many things to be happy about and thankful for, especially my beautiful gift from God: my baby daughter. We have other news filled with joy, but aren't quite ready to speak them out loud yet, maybe as the weather gets nicer I'll feel more inspired to talk about it.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

How many tries?

my footsteps in Cozumel
"How many times should I forgive my brother? Seventy times seven."
Well, I can only make it to three, and that's after the other person not having apologized at all any of those three times.
However, trying to follow my empathic instinct, values, "out of the goodness of my heart", or however you may call it I had decided to take their previous disrespect as "maybe they're having a bad day" or "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, it's not my fault" which is still my approach this time... but I've also decided to shut that person out of my spectrum of trust, friendship, and people I held "dear to my heart". Like my dad said, be where you like to be with people you like :-)
If they're such unhappy individuals, and they are aware there are places where they may receive the help and understanding that they might need, good for them, but as of today, I no longer am interested in their life and will not speak ill nor well of them in any circle, if they come or go, hurt or not, succeed or fail as Gable told Leigh: "Frankly, (my dear), I don't give a damn".

I have worn my heart on my sleeve my whole young life and I've been burnt because of this so many times I get so tired of it; and I also think this may be one of the major contributors to this never ending struggle with mood swings, hopelessness, loneliness, feeling of rejections, and ultimately depression I experience. It is so very painful to feel ostracized, to be the odd one out, to know you've done no wrong and still have the other party be defended by the other people in the room because "I said something that came across very aggressive", disregarding that the other individual was the one behaving aggressively toward me and the whole group. It is a very unpleasant feeling to not have your emotions acknowledged and to feel that with their silence, lack of action, and basically a lack of a backbone the group is telling me what Gable told Leigh...that THEY don't give a damn about me or my feelings either! but, why should they?

I walk alone...