Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Do I blog for me or for an audience?

The question has been in my mind for a while, after I stopped writing and posting a few months ago. In a way I do want others to read what I write, but in another way, I realize there are some individuals who I am not interested in sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings as I know they probably gossip or think worse of me as I "give" more information through this site.

I always wanted the goal of my blog to be that of reaching someone who might be feeling alone, fighting a depression and realize they too will get through it, as I did with others' blogs. I have always wanted to nourish that feeling of kindred spirits no matter the distance. Another goal was to just get things out of my system and maybe receive from comments, or feedback regarding what I had to say.

Maybe what I write hasn't been interesting enough, and serves the purpose of my venting and in a healthy way "let it go", whether it is anger I'm dealing with, or sadness, frustration, mostly those three. Sorry I'm not more cheerful, but hey, this is me, and this is my place :-)

I've considered maybe taking another route, blogging about my cooking and how I still sometimes enjoy that. Or maybe blogging more about being with my daughter, who is now almost 16 months old and what a ride it has been to be her mother so far. Or maybe blog about my second pregnancy, and how different it has been than my first (full term) one. Or blog more about my life growing up (but found out that topic sometimes kindles the fire of resentment and anger and revives the past so, unless I really want to deal with it on top of all else in my life at the present, I decided not to go there). Then I realized I would just keep writing about my every day, like a journal, a dirary, no topic...
Well, in the end, I guess blogging "for me" is really not working, I already do that semi regularly on a real journal by my nightstand. I have realized I enjoy seeing visitors around here, and it bums me when weeks go by and I have one or two visits in a month.  Maybe I'll try again, when I quit my job, or when I am abducted by aliens and my life becomes more pleasant and worth sharing about so I can get more readers, perhaps?

Dear lonely reader, thank you for stopping by!

Monday, August 8, 2011

A Veggie Venture: Recipe for Roasted Kohlrabi ♥

WIll try this with white turnips in the mix...fresh from our backyard garden :-)

A Veggie Venture: Recipe for Roasted Kohlrabi ♥: "How to roast kohlrabi, a simple way to cook kohlrabi, just cubed and oven-roasted. Low carb. Weight Watchers 1 point. ~recipe & photo updat..."

Monday, July 25, 2011

blog del padre Fortea: Noruega, Occidente

Estoy totalmente de acuerdo con el padre Fortea en este respecto, eso mismo dije en cuanto supe del ataque "en Noruega de todos los lugares, que extranio!"
blog del padre Fortea: Noruega, Occidente: "Todo ataque terrorista es una aberración. Pero el ataque a Noruega es una sinrazón dentro de la aberración. ¿En qué pensarían los sembrado..."

Friday, July 8, 2011

Didn't make my wallet fatter but...

at least the stress level went a bit down.

My wallet...

See, when you share your troubles with your loved ones they seem to take responsibility for whatever is troubling you if it affects them. So I am thankful that I at least was heard and since I asked for help, I was open to solutions. I can't say our problems are fixed but at least I feel we are more of a team now than we were before I reached out for help.

We still have to get caught up and I don't know how long that will take, with a baby on the way and a toddler to be 11 and a half month old at home. See I know we can trim more fat from our monthly expenses, but imagine if we didn't already try to conserve as much as we can? We do all this:
  • We hardly ever eat out, which means 98% of our meals are at home,
  • we cloth diaper, we line dry most of our clothes,
  • we've been driving less,
  • we bring our own coffe/tea to work,
  • we sack our lunches,
  • we put the gym on hold,
  • we're selling one of the cars (If you're interested in the Jetta, let me know!),
  • we have a vegetable garden (which I hope will give us good veggies this year, if the rabbit stops eating my broccoli),
  • we live in a very modest small house, which means our mortgage payment is rather low,
  • I made the baby's food when she started solids, and all she eats now are homemade meals and snacks, but she stopped nursing at 10 months so we compensate with formula, so that added an expense
  • we shop at Sam's for some things and other things at the grocery store with shopping lists, and an awareness of how much money we have available for food-grocery items,
  • we recycle and get reward points for it, then I trade some points for baby food items or "green" house cleaning supplies,
  • we are mindful of our energy, water, and gas use, and monitor how much it increases or decreases month to month and the factors that lead to these fluctuations
  • we don't shop, window shop, or internet shop, unless it's for necessary items (i.e. diaper soap or diaper covers, which we'll keep using with next baby, so expense pays for itself after the first 7 or 9 days of not using disposable diapers)
We've concluded that what takes most of our money away are the "second class necessary" payments, such as:
  • student loan,
  • cell phones (we don't have a land line and we do have one of the lowest rate family plans,
  • I've been considering switching to Magic Jack and shut the cell phone out or use a pay as yo go phone but I'm not convinced yet),
  • credit card 'pay-down',
  • an old hospital bill,
  • internet (again we carry the lowest rate service),
  • Dish (we hate it and we're in the process of downgrading the plan until we can cancel the service without shelling out the $200 fee if cancelled before the contract expires).
These are the most significant mone busters in our life. And we're working on eliminating them or at least reducing some of their costs.

We still are commited to our emergency fund and put money in it every month, and at work we automatically contribute to our retirement accounts, but I'd like to do more since my contribution was cut 50% when I went part time without the possibility to contribute the difference to my IRA Roth outside work due to our other expenses.

I still worry a bit about our money situation, but I know now that I'm not alone, I just hope we keep talking about this and not fall into the 'ignoring is better pattern' we were in up until a few weeks ago.

What do you all do to "save money" or better said "not spend more than you need"?

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

On being a mother and other things

My mom and I ca. 1985

I'm intrigued about whether my mom shaped me to be a successful, forgiving individual and whether I became more depressed, resentful, and bitter after I stopped having constant contact with her.
See, I was always with her when I was a little girl, she protected me, and nurtured me and only as an adult have I come to understand how much hurt and chaos and pain she had in her life with my father, but as far as I'm concerned, even as I grew up and became a young adult I was always her child and she has never ever abandoned me.
She says I talked at about 9 months, I can believe that; she has always told me so many stories of when I was a baby or a toddler, of things I can't remember and they are so sweet. I can hear myself talk to my baby daughter like my mom probably talked to me. But I'm probably not as good as my mom was, and this saddens me.  I am afraid that although I've developed a strong bond with my baby daughter, it is probably tainted (I was reading Attachment and Adult Relationships: How the Attachment Bond Shapes Adult Relationships) because I've been depressed, impatient, tired, frustrated, and honestly quite resentful and bitter because of our old house and monetary problems.
I don't think my mom suffered from depression until I was maybe a little older, and if she has had bouts with it, they have totally been circumstantial and temporay. My mom is an optimist, a joy to all her friends and her grandchildren have enjoyed her (until they turn into teenagers and forget about her) because she is so loving and funny to them.
I miss her so much. She's in central Mexico, about 1200 miles away or two flights away, or a three day drive away. And one of the hardest things for me about now raising little P is not having my mom close by, so they can enjoy each other and I can cherish my mom's company.
Last year she came to be with me a few weeks before my baby was born and stayed a few months after and I can't remember having such an amazing time with her before then. We would go for walks every evening with my huge belly and slow pace and she would help me in the vegetable garden, then after baby was born we would take her with us for our walks when she wasn't napping, but every time I strolled along with my mom, I swear I almost peed my pants  because she would tell me the funniest things. This summer I have had some really hard days, I stopped taking the zoloft in late May, after I found out we're expecting our second child. But even while I was taking the medication, when I take baby in her stroller on "grandma's walking route" a bittersweet stream of feelings overcomes my heart and I wish she were there with me.

I just wish I will be as good a mom as she is, she does have some flaws, can be dictatorial and critical and is probably a bit helicopterish, at least she was, when I was growing up, but I guess I didn't turn to be a criminal or a worse off woman because of her. My father's alcoholism and emotional abuse has probably more to do with my ailments, but that's for another post. My mom tried to shelter me, but as we all know the codependent spouse can only shelter so much. Her path has been so interesting, I could talk for hours about her life, because she talked for hours about it with me. It would annoy the crap out of me at the time, but I know better now.

I see my husband and I know his parents were so different than mine, his birth order is different than mine, his sociocultural environment when growing up way different than mine, and you can see he's a very resiliant individual but I'm afraid that the cornerstone of his insecurities, emotional disconnect, feeling stuffing, and inability to pursue real success and make of himself someone greater than he ever imagined lies on the attachment, or lack of, with his mother.
All he has ever achieved he has achieved on his own, without anyone on his cheering squad, only after he's done something has he recieved some congratulatory comment, if any.  (I'm by no means saying his parents are bad people, just saying the ambition and willingness to help their children believe the sky's the limit wasn't present when my husband was a young man). This takes a toll on our marriage and our financial situation.
I was raised (by an enthusiastic mom) to go and get, to never feel ashamed of being smart (go figure!), to go to the beat of my own drum, and if someone had a problem with it, to know someone had my back. I'm becoming a worm, digging deeper in the dirt to not even suggest that I can conquer the world, that we can bring more money home if he chooses to be the stay at home parent or redirect his goals and take a more realistic approach to the fact that his speech may be the reason as to why he can't and probably will not advance in the financial field, that we could be so much better off if we both had the guts to "go and get", to "stand up and do" and stop resting in our laurels and pretend that where we're at is good enough, when it isn't.
I started off in this relationship being very dominant, wrong approach of course, because, this far into it, it was easier to join him than to change him, our finances are a mess and our lifestyle, plain mediocre; and this, of course makes the depression worse when it lurks around the corner. Then I have no validity in his eyes, "because I'm ill". It's a vicious cycle. Then I want to go to my mom and hide in her arms...or at least go for a walk with her on a summer evening...

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

To have major depressive disorder is not the same as "feeling blue"...

Originally a Note from my FB profile...will translate on later time, since this is a really good letter to my acquaintances about what living with depression has been for me, especially this week.

Tener depresion aguda no es "andar en la depre"...
...No se quita solo "siendo positivo" aunque eso ciertamente ayuda.Tener depresion aguda tampoco quiere decir que uno deja de tener fe en Dios y en su misericordia, ni que "que pecado tan grande debo haber cometido que mira que me ha mandado Dios", no quiere decir que uno nunca jamas se rie o es capaz de sonreir, o de sentir amor por sus hijos.  Tal como una persona que no sufre de depresion aguda cronica no se esta riendo todo el santo dia, o se enoja o se pone triste, lo que pasa cuando la depresion es cronica es que la sensacion de estancamiento perdura y es mas dificl hacer tareas que los otros no consideran debilitantes.
Cuando uno tiene depresion cronica, la fatiga viene de tratar de vivir "con mas ganas" la vida, nuestro cuerpo no cuenta con los quimicos necesarios como la dopamina y la serotnina (tal como  un diabetico con un desequilibrio de insulina) que ayudan a lidiar con las cosas mas sencillas; y, derrumbando cualquier idea que los demas puedan tener de que los deprimidos solo somos flojos, es lo contrario: uno debe esforzarse el doble -si se tiene la nocion de lo que le pasa, como en mi caso, despues de 7 anios en tratamiento psiquiatrico, tres hospitalizaciones y 17 anios de terapia psicologica, actividad fisica, cambios en la dieta para aumentar niveles de serotonina, tecnicas de relajacion y visualizacion- para tratar de pasar el dia y funcionar en el empleo, en la casa y tratar de dar entusiasmo a los hijos, en otras palabras, uno gasta mucha energia tratando de efectivamente no dejar que la depresion reine. Es injusto que los demas nos "den aliento" dando a entender que no le echamos suficientes ganas a la vida, queridos mios: no tienen idea de cuantas mas ganas uno debe echarle de amancer a anocher, dia tras dia.
Uno tiene dias mejores que otros. Ayer fue un dia muy cansado, donde mi animo solo respondia llorando y la fatiga viene al tratar de evitar ese animo, y no dejar que mi nenita vea a su mami asi de malita. Y es que, cuando uno toma medicamento, los niveles de los quimicos en el cerebro medio se nivelan y le ayudan a uno a poder dar mas batalla. Yo tengo tres semanas de no tomar mi medicamento, por razones medicas y muy importantes para mi esposo y yo, de modo que soy completamente responsable de ser consciente de mis estados de animo y parte de esto es ser honesta y poder comunicar cuando tengo dias pesados, esto efectivamente ayuda al enfermo.
Es dificil explicar la depresion como enfermedad real, sobre todo cuando uno vive en dualidad cultural y de perspectiva. A mi esposo se lo tuvo que apenas explicar mejor el psiquiatra hace algunos meses, y aun cuando a mis padres les trate de explicar como actua esta enfermedad, bueno, uno fue victima de ella y la otra aun creo que no le queda claro que sucede en mi vida con este padecimiento. Tengo entendido que es un hecho que muchos miembros de mi familia materna y paterna padecen de algun grado de trastorno de estado de animo, pero a menos que tengan mas contacto con la perspectiva americana, los demas se "diagnostican" o tachan unos a otros de locos enfermos!
Y es que, cuando uno ha vivido con depresion la mayor parte de su vida en Mexico aun no hay un entendimiento de lo que sucede en el cerebro y en la vida de la persona. Y no digo que en USA sea distinto, pero ultimadamente aqui es donde finalmente le dieron al clavo y desde hace 7 anios estoy tratando de aceptar mi condicion y de aprender a vivir con este padecimiento. En Mexico simplemente todo mundo me criticaba o decia que "era sangrona o muy voluble". de ahi el iniciar terapia, "para dejar de ser grosera con los demas"...
En fin, lo que quiero dejar claro es que esto no es cuestion de opinion, es una situacion real y latente en la vida del enfermo, como el cancer o la diabetes, aun no se encuentra una cura pero se puede lograr "pausar los sintomas" con varias alternativas, y aun asi todos los que a diario luchamos con enfermedades de la mente vivimos con la esperanza de que se lograra encontrar una cura.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Welcome to Hades

When the temperature is anywhere above 74F, it is very hot for me, the current temperature reads 98.6F with a feeling of 99.4F, I don't know but this seems to be the high temp for the day. This makes it so hard for me to go outside since I get dizzy, light headed and very lethargic. Needless to say, I dislike summer a bit more than I dislike winter, even if it is 6 months long and temperatures are subzero...In winter at least I cover up and go inside, plus I'm always hot anyway, in summer if I go out I get heat exhaustion and like I said, feel so lethargic, but since I stay inside I freeze with the AC on and it's so annoying! Ugh. Add to the mix that I've stopped drinking coffee and cut way down on soda pop. (Recently, I seem to want only ice water, decaf tea lattes, and lemonade.) Also, the resident Psych got me off the medication for the depression and anxiety a couple weeks ago. So I'm basically a very cranky, dizzy, anxious mix of hormones, boy do I feel for my husband. He will definitely earn sainthood before he even dies :-)

So, I believe that because I don't take the medication any more, I have these really weird lucid dreams, and when I take naps I suddenly awake with my heart racing and I'm shaking. Deep inside I hope that I someday don't need to take any medication for depression, but I know that after baby was born it only took three months for the mood to go really down and the post partum to increase the "regular" depression when the resident Psych put me back on the meds. I am praying so very much that this time some miracle will come our way and post partum won't come along to screw things up.

We took a quick trip last week. We went to the Zoo. It was fun, but I was so tired and hot and sticky, and it wasn't even as hot as it is today!  Our little daughter is still is too little to notice most animals especially those who are napping, but she still enjoyed the fish, birds and any other big animal which moved significantly for her to notice.

It was a nice time and because I was on vacation, I ate anything and everything I got my hands on, my husband was a bit impressed, but I was hungry! I am trying not to eat all the time, but being so anxious all the time sure isn't fun...  

Monday, May 23, 2011

what is your point, exactly? You're pissing me off!

I know you're up there, please hear me!
It is one of those nights where I constantly wonder what the hell I'm doing here. There has to be a reason, I know, and if I walk by Faith and works I shouldn't question this.
However, I snap with husband~ hence the title of this post due to the whole work thing and becoming aware that people look at this space during work hours and how this is not intended for that and my husband lecturing me and finally my having to edit-remove my previous post,
due to my considering doing a bit of housecleaning on FB,
due to hormones,
due to the goddamn clogged sink and the nausea it brings me,
due to the inability to work in the garden because I seem to have developed a fear and disgust of snakes,
due to my frustration with our budget and the cost of life,
due to my increasing weight,
due to my clothes not fitting,
due to not really trusting someone else with my daughter,
due to not exercising as I must,
due to our work schedules (circle back to not trusting others with my daughter and the frustrating budget)
...one of those nights where the the back ache is so strong, the silence is so thick, the size of the house really tiny, the old stove and sink too old, the basement a damn dungeon, and the only thing that breathes love and hope is my daughter, so innocent and beautiful, so perfect.
And I realize that's what I'm doing here, that's what I'm here for now. No matter how broke I am, how broken I feel, no matter how many times I ask myself how long I can live like this, in this house about to fall apart, where we can at least afford the mortgage and attempt to leave within our means. No matter how many times I try to find the moment in time where I stopped being prosperous and began sinking into mediocrity, or when I let envy and pride sneak into my heart. There's someone who needs me and always smiles at me, just for me, for who I am in her eyes, at least for now, when she is so small and tender and miraculously innocent and full of God's love.
And in her world, there is no money, no work schedules, no fear, there are no bitter tears. And I pray I can be strong for her, and I pray we can get ahead, and I pray for resentments to vanish in all areas of my life. 

for the sake of peace

After being lectured by my husband, I have edited this post bordering in freedom of expression issues but I'm too tired to fight over it.

kitties always make us smile, right?
I wish I knew how the issue was addressed.
I believe this person was actually told that I complained about her attitude and I also believe this hinders and jeopardizes the no-retaliation policy that a workplace must protect and provide its employees. Now, I'm the one who brought the matter to my manager's attention, for the simple reason that lately it appears that anything goes in the workplace. Regardless (or especially)if you have a friendship relationship with a person you met at work, when you're at work there are standards and expectations and we are ALL subjected to them, I don't care who you are, or if someone "triggered it" we are all responsible for keeping our emotions and frustrations in check and therefore, if your behavior is unacceptable, then that's what it should be addressed as. Own it, make amends if you can, and don't blame others for your disrespectful attitude.
Yes, I agree in the general concept of forgive and forget, however there has seemed to be a double standard in place, let me explain:
Let's suppose for a minute that it was me who reacted that way, pointed my finger, yelled and walked way; like I explained to my manager, I would have gotten into a lot of trouble and probably would not have heard the end of it from her and my fellow co-workers, because "how dare I treat dear nice social butterfly lady like that". So, who comes out on my defense? Myself, the good old company handbook, (hopefully) my manager, and the HR people we all may contact when in doubt.
I did receive feedback from my manager, and I appreciate that. I was made aware that in others' point of view, I was yelling as well; I honestly do not recall it that way, and I disputed that. I do believe that I just happened to be the target of the aggression but it probably wasn't intended to be, as it could have been directed at anyone present but it happened to be me because I was right in front of her and I did ask the person to calm down.
Again maybe due to how this whole thing was addressed, I could have lost a friend and although I'm willing to be civil in the workplace, it appears at times that people are not willing to adhere to the courtesy guidelines the company (and maybe society, depending on where you grew up it seems)requires of all of us, and apparently ignoring your co-workers selectively is written between the company handbook's lines as appropriate behavior. Yes, that's what it is! Since EVERYONE does this, ignore co-workers selectively is definitely the way to go and this is how to do it:
-Do not make eye contact or say good morning or goodbye (extend this behavior to your relatives if they happen to be around)
-Don't ever smile at them
-Have a dry even angry look on your face at all times when the selected person is nearby
-Be (super) nice to others, however, skipping the selected individual
Hey, I do it to certain people...now I know how it feels!
I end this post with a smile, noting that we all have stories, we all have good nights and bad mornings, our lives converge and sometimes we can't help it, but if I want to better serve God, I must forgive and forget, and let the other people be, but stand up for myself and justice when my conscience begs me to. That is all I did.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

yo lo unico que les pedi

Es que no me metieran en enredos y que cuando terminaran lo hicieran de forma madura. Las dos se portaron como ninas y menos mal que mi amiga de 18 anios sigue siendolo, pero la otra que trabaja donde yo trabajo en mi misma area ha sido cada vez mas grosera conmigo. Lo que ahora nos lleva a mi post del 12 de mayo. Y ahora bueno, todo parece indicar que "si no fue tuyo (amistad en este caso), dejalo ir" resulta muy verdadero. Lo incomodo del asunto es que tengo que ver a esta persona del diario (por lo regular) y como dijo mi marido "por una extrania razon le cae bien a todo el mundo". Ugh. Y como yo no estoy ahi por mucho tiempo durante el dia, bueno ya se imaginaran la de historias que esta entretenida personita ha creado, supongo. Pero lo que no sabes no te puede lastimar entonces me dare por no enterada.

En fin, maniana sera otro dia, otra oprtunidad de ser humildes y evitar ser humillados ;-)
Por cierto, mi amiga ya tiene otra pareja, tan tan. 

Friday, May 13, 2011

blogger deleted my post from yesterday...

Cozumel May 2010
What a pain in the ass. I had actually written a very decent post yesterday and now it's gone...I hope they get it back at least in my drafts. I am very upset.

So, in attempt to think of better times and days, a photo from our trip last spring to Cozumel.
It must be working...There are so many things to be happy about and thankful for, especially my beautiful gift from God: my baby daughter. We have other news filled with joy, but aren't quite ready to speak them out loud yet, maybe as the weather gets nicer I'll feel more inspired to talk about it.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

How many tries?

my footsteps in Cozumel
"How many times should I forgive my brother? Seventy times seven."
Well, I can only make it to three, and that's after the other person not having apologized at all any of those three times.
However, trying to follow my empathic instinct, values, "out of the goodness of my heart", or however you may call it I had decided to take their previous disrespect as "maybe they're having a bad day" or "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, it's not my fault" which is still my approach this time... but I've also decided to shut that person out of my spectrum of trust, friendship, and people I held "dear to my heart". Like my dad said, be where you like to be with people you like :-)
If they're such unhappy individuals, and they are aware there are places where they may receive the help and understanding that they might need, good for them, but as of today, I no longer am interested in their life and will not speak ill nor well of them in any circle, if they come or go, hurt or not, succeed or fail as Gable told Leigh: "Frankly, (my dear), I don't give a damn".

I have worn my heart on my sleeve my whole young life and I've been burnt because of this so many times I get so tired of it; and I also think this may be one of the major contributors to this never ending struggle with mood swings, hopelessness, loneliness, feeling of rejections, and ultimately depression I experience. It is so very painful to feel ostracized, to be the odd one out, to know you've done no wrong and still have the other party be defended by the other people in the room because "I said something that came across very aggressive", disregarding that the other individual was the one behaving aggressively toward me and the whole group. It is a very unpleasant feeling to not have your emotions acknowledged and to feel that with their silence, lack of action, and basically a lack of a backbone the group is telling me what Gable told Leigh...that THEY don't give a damn about me or my feelings either! but, why should they?

I walk alone...

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Speak now or forever hold your piece...

So many things to share lately...where to begin?  The husband getting a new car? Me becoming an American? My finally getting a little bit organized? My finding the perfect office desk for an awesome price and the store to not have it until God knows when again? The baby saying "no" as her first word? How lucky and grateful I am for my husband? Me gaining 7 lbs. after starting a diet?  The ex-husband encounter? The relatives dropping the divorce bomb on me?
Pick a topic, please!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Did a weight get lifted from my shoulders?

Ah! the magic of therapy... in my rationalizing mode I was able to discern sometime today how I have been original, how I am not a fake, how I must give myself credit for what I've achieved and how I haven't failed anyone. I did get a higher education degree and it did take me a year to research and write a thesis on international terrorism, I did win prizes and spelling bees in grade school and I did belong in the honor roll all those times I was a straight A student. Where the notion that I'm a fake came, I still haven't a clue, but I will figure it out.
In the meantime, this little piece of insight helps me somewhat to deal with my current situation, where I feel so discredited and unrecognized in the workplace; then again, the therapist is right to remind me that whatever I do I must do to feel better and if doing or not doing something has the opposite effect, that's something to try and change. "What you want is to lift yourself up, not dig the hole deeper."
Life is hard, people are sneaky, but I still am capable, whole, good hearted, loved, sincere, and need the responsible, caring, charming me to come around every once in a while, to put the critical, lackadaisical, me at ease for even a few hours.
I need to develop a plan of tasks to complete and little by little build a stash of accomplishments to feel proud of, along with making the gratitude bag fatter.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Stay at home mom, a lesson learned?

So I win the stupidest woman of the week award for sure…turns out I let my guard down and purchased a case of "high quality" beef and "premium" seafood from a couple of door-to-door salesmen lastnight.
"Medi’s Meats" in Sioux Falls prices the beef case for $299 and the seafood for $299, I paid $390 for both…ugh. Also, although Medi’s Meats is a licensed business, their drivers might not be. My gut told me the guys looked like they just walked out of prison, and I was probably right, the one Daniel guy looked like a drug addict as well.

I guess I can keep googling until my eyes pop out of my head but I will drop the issue because all I’ve found is:

-Turns out that most of these “salesmen” are drug addicts, and since they “get paid daily” they’re just looking for their next score. Sure enough, they cashed my check right away!

-repackaged meats

-ecoli burgers

-water and flavor pumped meat

-expired meats

And the list goes on… Like I said, Medi’s Meats is a licensed and registered business in Sioux Falls, unlike those I’ve found on the google searches, so I’m just praying that their product isn’t tainted. Although I did pay $141 less that what the stuff was “retailed” for, I still feel like an idiot as I actually thought I got a good deal getting beef and seafood for $2.94/serving, I just hope the meat doesn’t make us sick, since we already ate some of it (being Fat Tuesday and Lent beginning today and all).

What makes me feel the stupidest is that I actually let them inside my home, while I was alone with my sweet baby girl, what an IDIOT! And they were offering to help me “find room” in our freezer downstairs, they were checking everything out and I did not feel safe, if I were my husband I would have yelled at me for hours! But he didn’t, he’s a “stuffer”, and now I’m left with this huge guilt from first of all putting my baby and myself in danger; secondly, spending that ridiculous amount of money for which we have other priorities and I should have discussed with my husband first, AND I was bamboozled because I did NOT get a good deal, I was ripped off, considering the prices were not $418/case but a still questionable $299; and lastly, buying something that may not be safe for our consumption and now I feel like we shouldn’t eat any of it.

Please somebody help me, I’m trying to not beat myself down as much but I can’t seem to get a grip.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Prayer Against Depression

St. Ignatius of Loyola's Prayer Against Depression
O Christ Jesus
When all is darkness
And we feel our weakness and helplessness,
Give us the sense of Your Presence,
Your Love and Your Strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
In Your protecting love
And strengthening power,
So that nothing may frighten or worry us,
For, living close to You,
We shall see Your Hand,
Your Purpose, Your Will through all things.

By St. Ignatius of Loyola
Read more: http://www.ewtn.com/Devotionals/prayers/StIgnatiusPrayerAgainstDepression.htm#ixzz1FTSraYMh

Sunday, January 30, 2011

just when I'm about to compliment you...

You blow it by being a pig.
Just when I'm about to express how proud I am of you for being faithful and not a disgusting member of the male gender, you show your g'damn true colors and prove that you have a wandering eye, too. How disappointing.
On the other side of the coin, though, it probably has nothing to do with you...see, in my insecure being lurks the shame of myself, that I'm not good looking enough, that I've become this frumpy, fat, tired, gloomy woman that you shouldn't even bare to look at. And still you do. And still you want me. Maybe because I'm all you've got.
I just was made aware today that you are a normal man and that there may be after all,   always the possibility of you liking other women...especially those who look like models, you're just reasonable, right?

Saturday, January 22, 2011

"you can cure yourself from depression"

Just walked in from a house party where I heard, one more time the "you can cure yourself from depression" theory. The one where the speaker is so fucking convinced that, from personal experience, it only takes a lot of personal will and strength to rid yourself from the evil possession that results in depressive mood.
Right. Tell that to the woman who three years to this date found her partner, who struggled with bipolar and depression, dead after committing suicide. To his son who was the first one to come see her and the dead man and who still will not admit himself that depression is a bitch, a real disease that takes lives, who says that suicide victims are just weak freaks. Sad. Tell that to me, who have lived with depression since childhood, and whose father was that man her mother found three years ago in their family home, and for whom his loss is harder to deal with the more the years that go by and it certainly made even less sense when I had a child myself.
It's an issue (mental illness, being a REAL illness, like diabetes or cancer) very dear and close to my heart, because I myself have to still get to the acceptance stage, the one where I feel OK knowing that I live with this (depression, anger, anxiety, mood swings) and that it is not just a situational "little depressive stage", but a biological and perhaps genetic origin illness that hinders my ability to enjoy life like "normal" people may. Please don't get me wrong, it is by no means cool  to be diagnosed with mental illness, unlike many young people seem to think now, if we think of depression as a real and present disease that affects the brain's function and by consequence the body, maybe it won't be so fucking glamorous and/or people won't minimize it as when they say "we all have issues". We may all have issues, but we have not all been seriously and medically diagnosed and receive proper treatment and are not committed to the betterment of our wellbeing and our health. We would all be better people if we did, though.

So, hear me when I scream: Screw you, high and mighty self cured depressed people, and please keep your opinions about mental illness not being an illness to yourself. Yes, it is all in our heads, because the brain is the organ that is ill...for real. Educate yourself, ask us questions, but please, don't diagnose us and certainly don't treat us if you are not living on our side of the fence, because, even for those who do live with us on our side of the fence this is a daily struggle, please mind us all. I sometimes wonder if I have the energy and should actually start a Hispanic chapter through the NAMI in our city, because we need to reach out and promote make mental illness education present among the Latino community.

Just for today, let us honor that man's life and let us remember his good deeds, and the good times we did have together. May he rest in peace and may the Lord have mercy on him and us. I love and miss you, papa, even when it was so difficult to love and miss you when you were around.

Friday, January 7, 2011

St. Francis de Sales

St. Francis de Sales wrote:
If you wish to labor with fruit in the conversion of souls, you must pour the balsam of sweetness upon the wine of your zeal, that it may not be too fiery, but mild, soothing, patient, and full of compassion. For the human soul is so constituted that by rigor it becomes harder, but mildness completely softens it. Besides, we ought to remember that Jesus Christ came to bless good intentions, and if we leave them to His control, little by little He will make them fruitful.

Last few weeks

Christmas was good. I only had a few mood swings but nothing drastic or bad enough to make me get into trouble with J or other relatives. At least, that's my impression!
New Year's was ok, I managed to stay up and receive the New Year and toast with J. Romantic-wise, it's getting a bit better, too, so I guess he's probably grateful that part  of me is "coming back" a little at a time, at least. I actually don't feel like abhorring him anymore so I'm grateful that part of me is going away since I did marry the guy :-)

Little P is doing so good she's the cutest little thing in the whole world and I love her with all my being. I get so tired as the night sets in every day though, I pray that God has us ion his good list and sends us the grace so that I can manage to work out soon. It's awkward because she nurses and I feel like a cow, I can get over the cow thing but I'd never nursed a baby before and although it's been going well and I'm thankful for this I resent "being a slave to the pump or the baby" and how I at least should be happy that I can sleep through the night without P wanting to eat anymore. I know I can leave her with a sitter while I work out, but I'd have to pay the sitter, pay the gym fee, or pay the gym fee somewhere where babysitting is also available which is so expensive. Where there's a will there's a way, now I need to find the funds to get this going. I know deep inside this will benefit everyone, right?

At least for now I'm eating a little better, a little more on the side of how mindful I was when I was single and when I was so in tune with what my body wanted instead of what my newborn needs from me...