Monday, May 23, 2011

what is your point, exactly? You're pissing me off!

I know you're up there, please hear me!
It is one of those nights where I constantly wonder what the hell I'm doing here. There has to be a reason, I know, and if I walk by Faith and works I shouldn't question this.
However, I snap with husband~ hence the title of this post due to the whole work thing and becoming aware that people look at this space during work hours and how this is not intended for that and my husband lecturing me and finally my having to edit-remove my previous post,
due to my considering doing a bit of housecleaning on FB,
due to hormones,
due to the goddamn clogged sink and the nausea it brings me,
due to the inability to work in the garden because I seem to have developed a fear and disgust of snakes,
due to my frustration with our budget and the cost of life,
due to my increasing weight,
due to my clothes not fitting,
due to not really trusting someone else with my daughter,
due to not exercising as I must,
due to our work schedules (circle back to not trusting others with my daughter and the frustrating budget) of those nights where the the back ache is so strong, the silence is so thick, the size of the house really tiny, the old stove and sink too old, the basement a damn dungeon, and the only thing that breathes love and hope is my daughter, so innocent and beautiful, so perfect.
And I realize that's what I'm doing here, that's what I'm here for now. No matter how broke I am, how broken I feel, no matter how many times I ask myself how long I can live like this, in this house about to fall apart, where we can at least afford the mortgage and attempt to leave within our means. No matter how many times I try to find the moment in time where I stopped being prosperous and began sinking into mediocrity, or when I let envy and pride sneak into my heart. There's someone who needs me and always smiles at me, just for me, for who I am in her eyes, at least for now, when she is so small and tender and miraculously innocent and full of God's love.
And in her world, there is no money, no work schedules, no fear, there are no bitter tears. And I pray I can be strong for her, and I pray we can get ahead, and I pray for resentments to vanish in all areas of my life. 

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