Wednesday, December 22, 2010

so I'm REALLY depressed....

The past few days have been physically strenous for me. Although we live in a rather small house, our baby P has only wanted to be held and she's a rather heavy little person at only 20 weeks weighing a little over 18 lbs already, anyway, my whole body aches and I just don't seem to have plenty of time for all I would like to get done and after my arms and back burn from carrying baby in sling and without sling I end up with about half of the things I want to do done.
SO, I thought I'd post since today is a particularly tough day. My father would have turned 64 today. He passed away almost three years ago. This morning's 6:45am mass was said for him, but I wasn't able to attend because I work from 6 to 10 am.  I also have been struggling at work, I am totally unproductive lately and it's catching up on me. My boss asked me to stop monkeying around and get stuff published already.
And then a couple of weeks ago, after almost 5 years seeing me, C, my therapist  suggested I should do the pshyc tests (mmpi-2 and mcmi-iii). Drum roll please for the results...I am NOT bipolar (my dad was so she hypothezised I could be); I am, however, a majorly  depressed gal -scores were both over 90 for this one- nothing new there I guess, since I've been in therapy for 16 years and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder back in '05... Actually, as she read my results, it was as if someone had looked into my soul and put everything I have inside into words. It was amazing  to hear from someone else exactly what I live with, it was an out of body experience almost. The results also touched on the anger, the loneliness, the isolation, the perfectionism and self sabotage, the alcoholism, the guilt, and how no matter how I try I can't seem to see life as other healthy individuals might. I heard her read about how interpersonal relationships are strained because of my erratic nature, how I feel like people mistreat and ignore me and how that hurts me so much deep inside because I don't like to be rejected, how very few friends I have and how other perceive me as a difficult person and may feel it's hard to get to know me.
I really don't know where I stand after these results, I guess it's good that C knows about all what afflicts and haunts me and hopefully the new resident psychiatrist I'll visit with will pinpoint something better as far as meds go. I am still breast feeding little P and I find it hard to wean her just yet so I will definitely discuss this with him.
Oh I wish I could go into a hole and come out on a sunny perfect day with a healthy working brain, no debt, and 35lbs lighter. Who can relate?

Monday, December 13, 2010

oh the drama, and I let it get to me

What a rush. We must be addicts to feeling lousy, or to the reaction or rise we get from others when we treat them like shit. I know I fell for it, like the recovering alcoholic I am... I got my fix of adrenaline from the anger I felt, after "letting" her use me as her dart board. Hook, line, and sinker...she lured me, I bit, and then she reeled me in, chewed me and spat me out. And since it seems we're all in kindergarten and dysfunctional individuals, with zero sense of accountability she proceeded to justify her low blow and blame me for having been rude to me. As the codependent old me, I felt like an idiot "because of her".
Please don't feel bad for me though. I did initially express my dissatisfaction assertively, and in a healthy and workplace appropriate way tried to establish a boundary. Then the rage was stronger. I did honestly wish for her day to get better, I'm sure it did after vomiting poison all around her.

What a great start of my week. What a blessing having a job is, right? We get to be around such healthy and inspiring individuals and their joy is so contagious. I would like to scream. Mornings like today and I want to scream, I can't take it anymore. What saved me was my self awareness, I chose to stop the thread and not drag the drama into my home, I chose not to be mean with my family, I chose to be honest, open and loving, I chose to go on and do what I need to do, to care for those I love and to feel their love. I chose to be a better me.
Hey I'm still on the road, I don't know when I'll get there...freedom is health, spiritual bliss, peace, love, hope.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

And I'm all yours, baby...

Were the best words I've heard lately. Made me smile so big and feel loved in an awesome way, a way I hadn't realized before... 'cause I'm so self absorbed and I'm blind to true love most of the time, and I'm sorry for that, and I'll relish in it today.

I'm all yours, too, by the way.

what makes me fume

Is to be ignored. Intentionally. When it's one time, ok, maayybee they just didn't even think of it. But when it's been a couple of years of the same attitudes, is "being part of the family" not clear, yet? makes me wonder.
Let me give you this scenario:
If called you  and specifically asked you to call me  back with a response, why would you: first of all, not respond until after two months of my original request, and two, when you actually have a response, NOT call me but my husband, instead???
Major *sigh*. This is getting ridiculous. I just don't know how long it will be or how many more times I will let this happen before I blow up and i t  w i l l  g e t  u g l y. Oh because it is not just you, you see, it is ALL of you. The one, the two, the three, and the four. And it just so happens that other people from my family did that before already so this just adds to my frustration with any family. No wonder why I like to be alone, I don't feel welcome in your homes, and yes, it probably is all in my head. I surprise myself when I remember I decided to marry, some of us should stay alone if we can't stand being hurt.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


I have so much clutter in my thoughts and I drag myself through life these days. My chest pounds from the anxiety and I hurt in silence.
I ponder upon the possibility of really bearing it all and reveal the raw and fragile being that I have been behind the passive-agressive, angry, drunk, born again Catholic, highly capable and over achieving facade you all have witnessed.

I wish I could. Truth has only been revealed to those in that room two years ago. It is on those notebook pages the counselor kept in the file. And it's buried in my heart pounding to come out. What good will it do if it did break through the fear? What a sad existence I feel, the epitome of procrastination, cynicism, and sloth. A fake.The only real thing, some days is the faith but when you feel like you can't keep the hope, faith is lacking too.

Fake it til you make it, right?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Gay rights groups exploiting recent suicides to advance agenda

What's your take? I just read:
Daffey Thoughts: Gay Rights groups exploiting recent suicides to ad... and it makes me ponder on how other teen segments are/have always been bullied such as religious kids, overweight kids, bicultural kids, etc.; having been an overweight and depressed kid myself and having considered-attempted suicide at a young age, in part due also to bullying in high-shool this issue spkies my concern.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Between the farm, the zoo and the fair...

So I manage to justify the monumental waste of time. Are we all just a bunch of slackers? Toggling between the Farm, the Zoo and the Fair, in my case...why are these idiotic "games" so addicting? Why is organizing my closet/dresser, the kitchen cabinets, office supplies, documents, etc. less enticing than wasting time harvesting crops, feeding baby animals or building games for the little fair???
Will it make me less moody if I keep it up? Will the chaos in my mind and the heaviness in my body decrease if I stop playing the little games on FB?

Does anyone have the answer to this puzzle? Does this puzzle anyone else?

So we'll give this a shot...

I think of this space as a place to check-in. To drop my thoughts and to share my load. Maybe by doing so, I will carry it better... We'll see how this goes.