Wednesday, December 22, 2010

so I'm REALLY depressed....

The past few days have been physically strenous for me. Although we live in a rather small house, our baby P has only wanted to be held and she's a rather heavy little person at only 20 weeks weighing a little over 18 lbs already, anyway, my whole body aches and I just don't seem to have plenty of time for all I would like to get done and after my arms and back burn from carrying baby in sling and without sling I end up with about half of the things I want to do done.
SO, I thought I'd post since today is a particularly tough day. My father would have turned 64 today. He passed away almost three years ago. This morning's 6:45am mass was said for him, but I wasn't able to attend because I work from 6 to 10 am.  I also have been struggling at work, I am totally unproductive lately and it's catching up on me. My boss asked me to stop monkeying around and get stuff published already.
And then a couple of weeks ago, after almost 5 years seeing me, C, my therapist  suggested I should do the pshyc tests (mmpi-2 and mcmi-iii). Drum roll please for the results...I am NOT bipolar (my dad was so she hypothezised I could be); I am, however, a majorly  depressed gal -scores were both over 90 for this one- nothing new there I guess, since I've been in therapy for 16 years and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder back in '05... Actually, as she read my results, it was as if someone had looked into my soul and put everything I have inside into words. It was amazing  to hear from someone else exactly what I live with, it was an out of body experience almost. The results also touched on the anger, the loneliness, the isolation, the perfectionism and self sabotage, the alcoholism, the guilt, and how no matter how I try I can't seem to see life as other healthy individuals might. I heard her read about how interpersonal relationships are strained because of my erratic nature, how I feel like people mistreat and ignore me and how that hurts me so much deep inside because I don't like to be rejected, how very few friends I have and how other perceive me as a difficult person and may feel it's hard to get to know me.
I really don't know where I stand after these results, I guess it's good that C knows about all what afflicts and haunts me and hopefully the new resident psychiatrist I'll visit with will pinpoint something better as far as meds go. I am still breast feeding little P and I find it hard to wean her just yet so I will definitely discuss this with him.
Oh I wish I could go into a hole and come out on a sunny perfect day with a healthy working brain, no debt, and 35lbs lighter. Who can relate?

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