Monday, March 13, 2017

Number three turns three

This little baby is 3 years old today. After E was born I had a scary moment and my hormones and weight have been out of whack. We have stopped trying to have babies for the time being and just recently have I started to see the numbers on the scale go down rather than up. I can't remember the last time I weighed under 200 lbs! Last week I hit 198, phew! 
E is a very special little girl who is so different than her sisters. We love her dearly. she is soft spoken and 90% of the time she is awake she is fussing about something, so she's become Grumpy Smurf. Her appetite is not at all like that of her sisters and is very frustrating for everyone to be around during meal times as she usually refuses all foods.
P is almost 7 and L is 5. They are so much fun until bedtime comes around and L refuses to go to bed, she always has something going on that prevents her from relaxing, there are tears almost every night since she was born. That's a lot of nights. My husband and I have looked at older photos of us and boy do we look old and tired. Thank you, L!! She will start Kindergarten next fall and is very bright and kind, curious and VERY funny.
 P is a joy, since she was born she's been mostly adorable. She started Kinder last fall and totally LOVES school. She has so much fun and is a good friend and student. She enjoys chess, playing on her computer, reads 100 books in a week, (if we counted I'm sure she does), and learning everything about everything.

I have many ups and downs. Still trying to deal with the sense of dread and failure. And what shall I do with my life other than be a mom and a very bad wife and house keeper. I hate cleaning, for example. 
I work part time here and there, have no future goals other than make a bit of money to pay bills and extras. Not much of a career. I have been "just" an employee of some kind or another that I have no sense of what I imagined my professional life to be when I used to dream about anything.

I am a lousy spouse, as I lack any affection toward my husband. I guess we give what we get and for so long I have gotten no affection other than when sex is requested or expected that I just avoid it altogether. YUCK. My weight and self esteem has totally played a part in this as I feel very uncomfortable baring it all.  I don't know what it is to live with me but I imagine it must be nice at times but horrible most of the time.  

I guess this took an unexpected turn. I wanted to write about my "baby" turning 3, and I ended on a sad note. The power of letting it out I guess. I shouldn't stop it. I tried to write a few weeks ago but for the life of me I couldn't even remember how to log into my blog account. 

It is clear I am still on the road to freedom. 


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