what is your point, exactly? You're pissing me off!

I know you're up there, please hear me!

It is one of those nights where I constantly wonder what the hell I'm doing here. There has to be a reason, I know, and if I walk by Faith and works I shouldn't question this.
However, I snap with husband~ hence the title of this post due to the whole work thing and becoming aware that people look at this space during work hours and how this is not intended for that and my husband lecturing me and finally my having to edit-remove my previous post,
due to my considering doing a bit of housecleaning on FB,
due to hormones,
due to the goddamn clogged sink and the nausea it brings me,
due to the inability to work in the garden because I seem to have developed a fear and disgust of snakes,
due to my frustration with our budget and the cost of life,
due to my increasing weight,
due to my clothes not fitting,
due to not really trusting someone else with my daughter,
due to not exercising as I must,
due to our work schedules (circle back to not trusting others with my daughter and the frustrating budget)
...one of those nights where the the back ache is so strong, the silence is so thick, the size of the house really tiny, the old stove and sink too old, the basement a damn dungeon, and the only thing that breathes love and hope is my daughter, so innocent and beautiful, so perfect.
And I realize that's what I'm doing here, that's what I'm here for now. No matter how broke I am, how broken I feel, no matter how many times I ask myself how long I can live like this, in this house about to fall apart, where we can at least afford the mortgage and attempt to leave within our means. No matter how many times I try to find the moment in time where I stopped being prosperous and began sinking into mediocrity, or when I let envy and pride sneak into my heart. There's someone who needs me and always smiles at me, just for me, for who I am in her eyes, at least for now, when she is so small and tender and miraculously innocent and full of God's love.
And in her world, there is no money, no work schedules, no fear, there are no bitter tears. And I pray I can be strong for her, and I pray we can get ahead, and I pray for resentments to vanish in all areas of my life. 

just when I'm about to compliment you...

You blow it by being a pig.
Just when I'm about to express how proud I am of you for being faithful and not a disgusting member of the male gender, you show your g'damn true colors and prove that you have a wandering eye, too. How disappointing.
On the other side of the coin, though, it probably has nothing to do with you...see, in my insecure being lurks the shame of myself, that I'm not good looking enough, that I've become this frumpy, fat, tired, gloomy woman that you shouldn't even bare to look at. And still you do. And still you want me. Maybe because I'm all you've got.
I just was made aware today that you are a normal man and that there may be after all,   always the possibility of you liking other women...especially those who look like models, you're just reasonable, right?

"you can cure yourself from depression"

Just walked in from a house party where I heard, one more time the "you can cure yourself from depression" theory. The one where the speaker is so fucking convinced that, from personal experience, it only takes a lot of personal will and strength to rid yourself from the evil possession that results in depressive mood.
Right. Tell that to the woman who three years to this date found her partner, who struggled with bipolar and depression, dead after committing suicide. To his son who was the first one to come see her and the dead man and who still will not admit himself that depression is a bitch, a real disease that takes lives, who says that suicide victims are just weak freaks. Sad. Tell that to me, who have lived with depression since childhood, and whose father was that man her mother found three years ago in their family home, and for whom his loss is harder to deal with the more the years that go by and it certainly made even less sense when I had a child myself.
It's an issue (mental illness, being a REAL illness, like diabetes or cancer) very dear and close to my heart, because I myself have to still get to the acceptance stage, the one where I feel OK knowing that I live with this (depression, anger, anxiety, mood swings) and that it is not just a situational "little depressive stage", but a biological and perhaps genetic origin illness that hinders my ability to enjoy life like "normal" people may. Please don't get me wrong, it is by no means cool  to be diagnosed with mental illness, unlike many young people seem to think now, if we think of depression as a real and present disease that affects the brain's function and by consequence the body, maybe it won't be so fucking glamorous and/or people won't minimize it as when they say "we all have issues". We may all have issues, but we have not all been seriously and medically diagnosed and receive proper treatment and are not committed to the betterment of our wellbeing and our health. We would all be better people if we did, though.

So, hear me when I scream: Screw you, high and mighty self cured depressed people, and please keep your opinions about mental illness not being an illness to yourself. Yes, it is all in our heads, because the brain is the organ that is ill...for real. Educate yourself, ask us questions, but please, don't diagnose us and certainly don't treat us if you are not living on our side of the fence, because, even for those who do live with us on our side of the fence this is a daily struggle, please mind us all. I sometimes wonder if I have the energy and should actually start a Hispanic chapter through the NAMI in our city, because we need to reach out and promote make mental illness education present among the Latino community.


Just for today, let us honor that man's life and let us remember his good deeds, and the good times we did have together. May he rest in peace and may the Lord have mercy on him and us. I love and miss you, papa, even when it was so difficult to love and miss you when you were around.

so I'm REALLY depressed....

The past few days have been physically strenous for me. Although we live in a rather small house, our baby P has only wanted to be held and she's a rather heavy little person at only 20 weeks weighing a little over 18 lbs already, anyway, my whole body aches and I just don't seem to have plenty of time for all I would like to get done and after my arms and back burn from carrying baby in sling and without sling I end up with about half of the things I want to do done.
SO, I thought I'd post since today is a particularly tough day. My father would have turned 64 today. He passed away almost three years ago. This morning's 6:45am mass was said for him, but I wasn't able to attend because I work from 6 to 10 am.  I also have been struggling at work, I am totally unproductive lately and it's catching up on me. My boss asked me to stop monkeying around and get stuff published already.
And then a couple of weeks ago, after almost 5 years seeing me, C, my therapist  suggested I should do the pshyc tests (mmpi-2 and mcmi-iii). Drum roll please for the results...I am NOT bipolar (my dad was so she hypothezised I could be); I am, however, a majorly  depressed gal -scores were both over 90 for this one- nothing new there I guess, since I've been in therapy for 16 years and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder back in '05... Actually, as she read my results, it was as if someone had looked into my soul and put everything I have inside into words. It was amazing  to hear from someone else exactly what I live with, it was an out of body experience almost. The results also touched on the anger, the loneliness, the isolation, the perfectionism and self sabotage, the alcoholism, the guilt, and how no matter how I try I can't seem to see life as other healthy individuals might. I heard her read about how interpersonal relationships are strained because of my erratic nature, how I feel like people mistreat and ignore me and how that hurts me so much deep inside because I don't like to be rejected, how very few friends I have and how other perceive me as a difficult person and may feel it's hard to get to know me.
I really don't know where I stand after these results, I guess it's good that C knows about all what afflicts and haunts me and hopefully the new resident psychiatrist I'll visit with will pinpoint something better as far as meds go. I am still breast feeding little P and I find it hard to wean her just yet so I will definitely discuss this with him.
Oh I wish I could go into a hole and come out on a sunny perfect day with a healthy working brain, no debt, and 35lbs lighter. Who can relate?

oh the drama, and I let it get to me

What a rush. We must be addicts to feeling lousy, or to the reaction or rise we get from others when we treat them like shit. I know I fell for it, like the recovering alcoholic I am... I got my fix of adrenaline from the anger I felt, after "letting" her use me as her dart board. Hook, line, and sinker...she lured me, I bit, and then she reeled me in, chewed me and spat me out. And since it seems we're all in kindergarten and dysfunctional individuals, with zero sense of accountability she proceeded to justify her low blow and blame me for having been rude to me. As the codependent old me, I felt like an idiot "because of her".
Please don't feel bad for me though. I did initially express my dissatisfaction assertively, and in a healthy and workplace appropriate way tried to establish a boundary. Then the rage was stronger. I did honestly wish for her day to get better, I'm sure it did after vomiting poison all around her.

What a great start of my week. What a blessing having a job is, right? We get to be around such healthy and inspiring individuals and their joy is so contagious. I would like to scream. Mornings like today and I want to scream, I can't take it anymore. What saved me was my self awareness, I chose to stop the thread and not drag the drama into my home, I chose not to be mean with my family, I chose to be honest, open and loving, I chose to go on and do what I need to do, to care for those I love and to feel their love. I chose to be a better me.
Hey I'm still on the road, I don't know when I'll get there...freedom is health, spiritual bliss, peace, love, hope.

what makes me fume

Is to be ignored. Intentionally. When it's one time, ok, maayybee they just didn't even think of it. But when it's been a couple of years of the same attitudes, is "being part of the family" not clear, yet? ...it makes me wonder.
Let me give you this scenario:
If I  called you  and specifically asked you to call me  back with a response, why would you: first of all, not respond until after two months of my original request, and two, when you actually have a response, NOT call me but my husband, instead???
Major *sigh*. This is getting ridiculous. I just don't know how long it will be or how many more times I will let this happen before I blow up and i t  w i l l  g e t  u g l y. Oh because it is not just you, you see, it is ALL of you. The one, the two, the three, and the four. And it just so happens that other people from my family did that before already so this just adds to my frustration with any family. No wonder why I like to be alone, I don't feel welcome in your homes, and yes, it probably is all in my head. I surprise myself when I remember I decided to marry, some of us should stay alone if we can't stand being hurt.