Subject: catch up

Subject: catch up

Heyo… I was just thinking that I really hope we can catch up this weekend, seems like a lifetime since I last saw you 

Having and keeping and nurturing friends as a grown up, busy, crazy, mom is so darn challenging! I feel like I only have a handful of true friends left, but they live so far away and I only have contact with them online, that’s when facebook is a wonder; basically, I only have you here in town and A, but she is gone until the end of the month!  See the thing is that slowly, all the gals who I thought were friends since moving here have left my life mostly because even after demonstrating how much I cared about them, I don’t think they have understood the way I am and the boundaries I actually do set as the friendship progresses. However sad it has been I’ve also been angry and disappointed with their attitudes and in the end, my mom is right, in friendship as in any other relationship, when we let people go we realize how important our presence is in their lives when no matter what you stick around for each other. I believe you and I have remained friends thus far because we both respect the other’s limits, understand that work, husbands and daughters take our energy and we sometimes fear we’re going mad(der)  and we both want the other to get to heaven!! That’s what we’re about. I love you. I hope we stay friends a long time.

Another one bites the dust...

Good Riddance... True friends are hard to come by, and when you have them, nourish your relationship with love and kindness, acceptance and most of all, friendship is a no-judgement zone, free of envious and selfish intentions, a place where no matter how much your friend shines if she's truly special to you, you'll love being in her presence without feeling out-shined. 
Yes, I've been in rehab for binge drinking and not being kind to myself, and in the psych ward when I needed help with depression, but this makes me stronger and able to look at people for who they are, without judgement, and see their tru colors, or if they are fake and pretentious, forgetting where they come from and bulldozing others who have always been there when they ask for help, regardless of how small or ugly or old my house is, it has always been open.
I am strong, beautiful, secure of myself, educated, honest, straight forward, LOVING and LOVABLE. My true friends are able to see me as such, don't judge me and encourage my ideas and personal choices no matter what.
As for you, you know who you are: For over eight years I tried to be your friend, opened the doors of my home and my heart, was always there whenever you called, encouraged your ideas and was always myself, never up or down, just me, you judged and criticized, weren't willing to help when I needed you during my citizenship process, and treated me like crap.
God bless you, truly, may you find and keep the happiness you boast to have and the material wealth you long to possess. May your thoughts and life be truly full of the peace you brag about and full of the awesomeness that surrounds you. I hope you face your demons soon so that the need to steal other people's ideas and greed don't propel you into action. Keep faking til you make it!

How many tries?

my footsteps in Cozumel

"How many times should I forgive my brother? Seventy times seven."
Well, I can only make it to three, and that's after the other person not having apologized at all any of those three times.
However, trying to follow my empathic instinct, values, "out of the goodness of my heart", or however you may call it I had decided to take their previous disrespect as "maybe they're having a bad day" or "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, it's not my fault" which is still my approach this time... but I've also decided to shut that person out of my spectrum of trust, friendship, and people I held "dear to my heart". Like my dad said, be where you like to be with people you like :-)
If they're such unhappy individuals, and they are aware there are places where they may receive the help and understanding that they might need, good for them, but as of today, I no longer am interested in their life and will not speak ill nor well of them in any circle, if they come or go, hurt or not, succeed or fail as Gable told Leigh: "Frankly, (my dear), I don't give a damn".

I have worn my heart on my sleeve my whole young life and I've been burnt because of this so many times I get so tired of it; and I also think this may be one of the major contributors to this never ending struggle with mood swings, hopelessness, loneliness, feeling of rejections, and ultimately depression I experience. It is so very painful to feel ostracized, to be the odd one out, to know you've done no wrong and still have the other party be defended by the other people in the room because "I said something that came across very aggressive", disregarding that the other individual was the one behaving aggressively toward me and the whole group. It is a very unpleasant feeling to not have your emotions acknowledged and to feel that with their silence, lack of action, and basically a lack of a backbone the group is telling me what Gable told Leigh...that THEY don't give a damn about me or my feelings either! but, why should they?

I walk alone...