Subject: catch up

Subject: catch up

Heyo… I was just thinking that I really hope we can catch up this weekend, seems like a lifetime since I last saw you 

Having and keeping and nurturing friends as a grown up, busy, crazy, mom is so darn challenging! I feel like I only have a handful of true friends left, but they live so far away and I only have contact with them online, that’s when facebook is a wonder; basically, I only have you here in town and A, but she is gone until the end of the month!  See the thing is that slowly, all the gals who I thought were friends since moving here have left my life mostly because even after demonstrating how much I cared about them, I don’t think they have understood the way I am and the boundaries I actually do set as the friendship progresses. However sad it has been I’ve also been angry and disappointed with their attitudes and in the end, my mom is right, in friendship as in any other relationship, when we let people go we realize how important our presence is in their lives when no matter what you stick around for each other. I believe you and I have remained friends thus far because we both respect the other’s limits, understand that work, husbands and daughters take our energy and we sometimes fear we’re going mad(der)  and we both want the other to get to heaven!! That’s what we’re about. I love you. I hope we stay friends a long time.

Turning two was so easy. Three is showing its ugly face.

Little P will be three years old in less than eight weeks. I want to think we're ready, as so many exciting things are happening in her world. She is such a lovely smart, funny and caring precious little person. So much of me and so much of dad in her has begun to show through, and at times it is like we truly put mom and dad's qualities in a blender and this mix of personality is in front of us-and it can be frustrating and scary when it's the "negative" kind.
Two has been so much fun, full of tender and marvelous moments, of discoveries and beauty. So much growth at leaps and bounds.
Three is starting to sound exhausting, but fun; marked by the quintessential fight for freedom but wanting to remain our baby, accompanied by growing horrible temper tantrums, stubbornness bordering on OCD, with our wonderful child who used to eat everything we offered her is now so picky. The child who loved babies and animals is always fighting or bossing her sister around and bothering the 15 year old elderly cat. The child who had a solid nap schedule until she was 2 years old now rarely will go for an afternoon nap and is so cranky and exhausted at the end of the day that she drives herself and all around her absolutely bonkers and patience is so flimsy we can see it vanish.
So full of opinions, wonderful stories and love for books and yoga.
What a challenging time is coming upon us. I am so nervous and amazed at the same time. My daughter is a wonderful teacher and mirror. Her presence in my life makes my thoughts flourish and suddenly very old, deep memories come back to me as if I were there, a little me, living those moments again, smelling or touching toys, food, pets, hugging my mother, chasing my brother, playing with cousins, playing games, singing songs, wearing little me outfits, eating steamed veggies or ham sandwiches...
Glad to be back here,  writing. Enjoy.

Speak now or forever hold your piece...

So many things to share lately...where to begin?  The husband getting a new car? Me becoming an American? My finally getting a little bit organized? My finding the perfect office desk for an awesome price and the store to not have it until God knows when again? The baby saying "no" as her first word? How lucky and grateful I am for my husband? Me gaining 7 lbs. after starting a diet?  The ex-husband encounter? The relatives dropping the divorce bomb on me?
Pick a topic, please!

so I'm REALLY depressed....

The past few days have been physically strenous for me. Although we live in a rather small house, our baby P has only wanted to be held and she's a rather heavy little person at only 20 weeks weighing a little over 18 lbs already, anyway, my whole body aches and I just don't seem to have plenty of time for all I would like to get done and after my arms and back burn from carrying baby in sling and without sling I end up with about half of the things I want to do done.
SO, I thought I'd post since today is a particularly tough day. My father would have turned 64 today. He passed away almost three years ago. This morning's 6:45am mass was said for him, but I wasn't able to attend because I work from 6 to 10 am.  I also have been struggling at work, I am totally unproductive lately and it's catching up on me. My boss asked me to stop monkeying around and get stuff published already.
And then a couple of weeks ago, after almost 5 years seeing me, C, my therapist  suggested I should do the pshyc tests (mmpi-2 and mcmi-iii). Drum roll please for the results...I am NOT bipolar (my dad was so she hypothezised I could be); I am, however, a majorly  depressed gal -scores were both over 90 for this one- nothing new there I guess, since I've been in therapy for 16 years and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder back in '05... Actually, as she read my results, it was as if someone had looked into my soul and put everything I have inside into words. It was amazing  to hear from someone else exactly what I live with, it was an out of body experience almost. The results also touched on the anger, the loneliness, the isolation, the perfectionism and self sabotage, the alcoholism, the guilt, and how no matter how I try I can't seem to see life as other healthy individuals might. I heard her read about how interpersonal relationships are strained because of my erratic nature, how I feel like people mistreat and ignore me and how that hurts me so much deep inside because I don't like to be rejected, how very few friends I have and how other perceive me as a difficult person and may feel it's hard to get to know me.
I really don't know where I stand after these results, I guess it's good that C knows about all what afflicts and haunts me and hopefully the new resident psychiatrist I'll visit with will pinpoint something better as far as meds go. I am still breast feeding little P and I find it hard to wean her just yet so I will definitely discuss this with him.
Oh I wish I could go into a hole and come out on a sunny perfect day with a healthy working brain, no debt, and 35lbs lighter. Who can relate?