Another one bites the dust...

Good Riddance... True friends are hard to come by, and when you have them, nourish your relationship with love and kindness, acceptance and most of all, friendship is a no-judgement zone, free of envious and selfish intentions, a place where no matter how much your friend shines if she's truly special to you, you'll love being in her presence without feeling out-shined. 
Yes, I've been in rehab for binge drinking and not being kind to myself, and in the psych ward when I needed help with depression, but this makes me stronger and able to look at people for who they are, without judgement, and see their tru colors, or if they are fake and pretentious, forgetting where they come from and bulldozing others who have always been there when they ask for help, regardless of how small or ugly or old my house is, it has always been open.
I am strong, beautiful, secure of myself, educated, honest, straight forward, LOVING and LOVABLE. My true friends are able to see me as such, don't judge me and encourage my ideas and personal choices no matter what.
As for you, you know who you are: For over eight years I tried to be your friend, opened the doors of my home and my heart, was always there whenever you called, encouraged your ideas and was always myself, never up or down, just me, you judged and criticized, weren't willing to help when I needed you during my citizenship process, and treated me like crap.
God bless you, truly, may you find and keep the happiness you boast to have and the material wealth you long to possess. May your thoughts and life be truly full of the peace you brag about and full of the awesomeness that surrounds you. I hope you face your demons soon so that the need to steal other people's ideas and greed don't propel you into action. Keep faking til you make it!

Do I blog for me or for an audience?

The question has been in my mind for a while, after I stopped writing and posting a few months ago. In a way I do want others to read what I write, but in another way, I realize there are some individuals who I am not interested in sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings as I know they probably gossip or think worse of me as I "give" more information through this site.

I always wanted the goal of my blog to be that of reaching someone who might be feeling alone, fighting a depression and realize they too will get through it, as I did with others' blogs. I have always wanted to nourish that feeling of kindred spirits no matter the distance. Another goal was to just get things out of my system and maybe receive from comments, or feedback regarding what I had to say.

Maybe what I write hasn't been interesting enough, and serves the purpose of my venting and in a healthy way "let it go", whether it is anger I'm dealing with, or sadness, frustration, mostly those three. Sorry I'm not more cheerful, but hey, this is me, and this is my place :-)

I've considered maybe taking another route, blogging about my cooking and how I still sometimes enjoy that. Or maybe blogging more about being with my daughter, who is now almost 16 months old and what a ride it has been to be her mother so far. Or maybe blog about my second pregnancy, and how different it has been than my first (full term) one. Or blog more about my life growing up (but found out that topic sometimes kindles the fire of resentment and anger and revives the past so, unless I really want to deal with it on top of all else in my life at the present, I decided not to go there). Then I realized I would just keep writing about my every day, like a journal, a dirary, no topic...
Well, in the end, I guess blogging "for me" is really not working, I already do that semi regularly on a real journal by my nightstand. I have realized I enjoy seeing visitors around here, and it bums me when weeks go by and I have one or two visits in a month.  Maybe I'll try again, when I quit my job, or when I am abducted by aliens and my life becomes more pleasant and worth sharing about so I can get more readers, perhaps?

Dear lonely reader, thank you for stopping by!

Did a weight get lifted from my shoulders?

Ah! the magic of therapy... in my rationalizing mode I was able to discern sometime today how I have been original, how I am not a fake, how I must give myself credit for what I've achieved and how I haven't failed anyone. I did get a higher education degree and it did take me a year to research and write a thesis on international terrorism, I did win prizes and spelling bees in grade school and I did belong in the honor roll all those times I was a straight A student. Where the notion that I'm a fake came, I still haven't a clue, but I will figure it out.
In the meantime, this little piece of insight helps me somewhat to deal with my current situation, where I feel so discredited and unrecognized in the workplace; then again, the therapist is right to remind me that whatever I do I must do to feel better and if doing or not doing something has the opposite effect, that's something to try and change. "What you want is to lift yourself up, not dig the hole deeper."
Life is hard, people are sneaky, but I still am capable, whole, good hearted, loved, sincere, and need the responsible, caring, charming me to come around every once in a while, to put the critical, lackadaisical, me at ease for even a few hours.
I need to develop a plan of tasks to complete and little by little build a stash of accomplishments to feel proud of, along with making the gratitude bag fatter.