Subject: catch up

Subject: catch up

Heyo… I was just thinking that I really hope we can catch up this weekend, seems like a lifetime since I last saw you 

Having and keeping and nurturing friends as a grown up, busy, crazy, mom is so darn challenging! I feel like I only have a handful of true friends left, but they live so far away and I only have contact with them online, that’s when facebook is a wonder; basically, I only have you here in town and A, but she is gone until the end of the month!  See the thing is that slowly, all the gals who I thought were friends since moving here have left my life mostly because even after demonstrating how much I cared about them, I don’t think they have understood the way I am and the boundaries I actually do set as the friendship progresses. However sad it has been I’ve also been angry and disappointed with their attitudes and in the end, my mom is right, in friendship as in any other relationship, when we let people go we realize how important our presence is in their lives when no matter what you stick around for each other. I believe you and I have remained friends thus far because we both respect the other’s limits, understand that work, husbands and daughters take our energy and we sometimes fear we’re going mad(der)  and we both want the other to get to heaven!! That’s what we’re about. I love you. I hope we stay friends a long time.

Detox day 3, Boot Camp week 4 and update on this year's garden

I have to say I have been hungry these last three days but not starving hungry, so it's OK. I've peed about 4lbs so far, not much to get excited about since I know that's all it is...water and, hopefully, "toxins" that my body is supposed to be getting rid of with the aid of the AM Detox drink, the Super Charged Greens drink and the workouts. Plus I've been sleeping much more, it said on the David Kirsch website that I should rest all I could during the Detox days. Thank God for my mother and husband as they have been on baby duty so I can do this.
I also should note that I am able to play a bit more with my little P., she loves trying the "animal" moves such as bear walk, bunny and froggy jumps, and we've made up the kitty snuggle (where she tries to curl up in a little ball laying on the carpet imitating the cat when he naps).
I will admit I ate my salad with a little bit of balsamic vinaigrette Monday, and I added olive oil to it on Tuesday. Somehow I feel I need some healthy oils on the only meal I can eat! I had chicken Monday and tuna Tuesday, will have tuna again today as that was nice yesterday. Needless to say, I really look forward to my lunch!
I did break and ate a few prunes and almonds Tuesday afternoon and only a few prunes Monday afternoon. I hope I can go without today. It has been pretty hard, but I keep telling myself "It's already hump day, almost over, no different than a bad work week! You probably won't need coffee or sugary stuff in your life at all after Friday!" But the Pub mix snack won't be so lucky, I really like salty snacks :-/ hence all the water retention...
However, today's workout wasn't the best, I was so tired during the last stretch and since we were inside the gym, I was disgusted every time I caught a glimpse of my reflection in all the mirrors, pretty self defeating. I tried to think all kinds of positive thoughts, like "that roll you see is getting blasted with this move" or "if you keep trying to lift yourself when you're this heavy, how easy it will be when you get lighter", but I don't think they worked much. Oh well, there's always the next workout to try and be better, right?

In other news, the garden's looking fantastic. J. helped me make it a larger area (90 sq ft now), by consolidating the original two "little" patches, we put in some pavers to separate the plant sections and so that I can step inside to plant/weed/harvest throughout the season. He also helped me surround it with chicken wire to keep our tenant the bunny out and he helped me cover the strawberry corner so the birdies don't get to them, moved the compost bin closer to the patch, and has been saving grass clippings when he mowes the lawn so I can mulch the plants. I think he is as excited as I am this year, after all his hard work. He asks me if he needs to water every night and he takes the kitchen scraps to the bin. I can't wait until our first harvest!

This year we have the following plants:
3 tomate verde plants (so excited about these!)
1 purple Cheyenne tomato
1 Juliet Roma (grape) tomato
1 cherry tomato
2 cucumber
2 sequoia strawberry
1 white something strawberry
2 Anaheim pepper
2 Serrano pepper
1 green bell pepper
4 red bell pepper
1 giant jalapeno pepper
2 black queen eggplant

We started from seed:
watermelon (3 seedlings have sprouted)
corn (several seedlings have sprouted)
rainbow mix carrots (several seedlings have sprouted)



Perennials:
asparagus (planted it last year, and we already ate a few earlier this spring)
mint (third year with it in garden)
purslane is coming back again this year, I guess the little seeds that fell from the plants that came up last year were enough for it to resurrect :-)

Annual herbs:
thyme
basil

As you can see, I tried to experiment with new plants this year, but I'm still scared to try with squashes (they had root rot the two previous years), green beans, peas and such. I also would love to have lettuces again but I don't want to crowd the existing plants like I did a couple years ago and I felt overwhelmed.
I really would like to have turnips, parsnips, and kohlrabi without the slugs getting to them on the leaves and the earwigs and other bugs on the roots so I think I should do those in a container. Maybe when Luci is older and Pia doesn't run into the street like a crazy little goat...I just feel like either I should tend to the garden or watch them and play with them, but can't do both!

I'm back!

So the scale won't budge and has stayed between 200 and 192 lbs for the last three months. My second daughter, L. will be 4 months old in two days. I lost 28-30 lbs right after she was born, but even to return to the weight I was (186 lbs)when I got pregnant with her has been a struggle, let alone get back to my comfortable weight (156 lbs) and fitness level from three years ago before my first daughter was born!
My knees, hips, and back hurt and I have just been feeling pretty yucky. I hate being heavy. I hate looking like a whale, but whales are cute and they're supposed to be big. Hate it with a passion. I hate having my clothes in totes. I hate being a size 16, a tight 16, when I was a 6! It brings me down and I eat my feelings in salty snacks or ice cream. Ugh. I hate not liking to have photos taken with my daughters because I am so fat. I hate all fat people and their bullshit: "Oh I am so fat but I am still fit and healthy as an ox." I curse them. And I REFUSE to be one of them.
I tried Atkins for a month, had lost 7 lbs, but was so hungry and miserable, besides my husband protested at the cost of the grocery bill after he spotted a packet of grouper that was a bit too expensive, so that was that.
After pleading to him, especially since my cholesterol results were high back in March and reality has kind of been hitting me, I was able to sign up for the "Boot Camp" (24/7 Fitness in Sioux Falls) and will do 8 weeks. I started "Boot Camp" three weeks ago, somewhat determined to get back on the bandwagon. I'm in week 4 and have not lost a single pound, but have not been meticulous about my diet either. And now I decided I should type about this journey and see how it all unfolds.
So far, I have been taking the GNC Energy for Women vitamin packs and I have to admit I do feel better;  at the workouts, I am able to do a bit  more, but my knees are quite achy since last week and my hips/back are still uncomfortable from the pregnancy, so it's a real challenge to run all what the trainer makes us run, but I was super happy to get ahead of the group this morning!
"Boot Camp" is from 6-7am three times per week and I've been able to do this thanks to my husband, my mom, and my boss. My mom watches the babies for us and my boss has let me change my work hours while my mom is with us so this is awesome and I don't want to let them down. I don't want to quit and I really want to lose this weight so we all can see that our efforts were worth it. But some days it is really hard to get out of bed!
When I was doing the Atkins thing, I had bought a David Kirsch 5 day Ultimate Detox Kit but I had not made up my mind to follow through and the box kept staring at me from the dresser - until now. I talked about it with my husband and my mom and I finally started it this morning. So far so good. I took the Daily Detox shot before my workout along with the Energy Enhancer and Ginko from GNC. After the workout I took the Protein Shake and Super charged Greens. I just finished up the Thermo Bubbles drink, and am getting a bit hungry but will drink some decaf herbal tea until lunch time, when I will have a salad with chicken. For dinner I will have another shake. Rinse and repeat for the next four days. Hopefully my energy is not shot for the workouts on Wednesday and Friday.

I also now apply FatGirlSlim twice a day and LoveHandler lotion once a day, to my family's skeptical giggling, but I will get toned and slim and I don't care if they laugh at me.

Wish me luck!

I purchased the David Kirsch and the FatGirlSlim products on bliss.com

Do I blog for me or for an audience?

The question has been in my mind for a while, after I stopped writing and posting a few months ago. In a way I do want others to read what I write, but in another way, I realize there are some individuals who I am not interested in sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings as I know they probably gossip or think worse of me as I "give" more information through this site.

I always wanted the goal of my blog to be that of reaching someone who might be feeling alone, fighting a depression and realize they too will get through it, as I did with others' blogs. I have always wanted to nourish that feeling of kindred spirits no matter the distance. Another goal was to just get things out of my system and maybe receive from comments, or feedback regarding what I had to say.

Maybe what I write hasn't been interesting enough, and serves the purpose of my venting and in a healthy way "let it go", whether it is anger I'm dealing with, or sadness, frustration, mostly those three. Sorry I'm not more cheerful, but hey, this is me, and this is my place :-)

I've considered maybe taking another route, blogging about my cooking and how I still sometimes enjoy that. Or maybe blogging more about being with my daughter, who is now almost 16 months old and what a ride it has been to be her mother so far. Or maybe blog about my second pregnancy, and how different it has been than my first (full term) one. Or blog more about my life growing up (but found out that topic sometimes kindles the fire of resentment and anger and revives the past so, unless I really want to deal with it on top of all else in my life at the present, I decided not to go there). Then I realized I would just keep writing about my every day, like a journal, a dirary, no topic...
Well, in the end, I guess blogging "for me" is really not working, I already do that semi regularly on a real journal by my nightstand. I have realized I enjoy seeing visitors around here, and it bums me when weeks go by and I have one or two visits in a month.  Maybe I'll try again, when I quit my job, or when I am abducted by aliens and my life becomes more pleasant and worth sharing about so I can get more readers, perhaps?

Dear lonely reader, thank you for stopping by!

Welcome to Hades

When the temperature is anywhere above 74F, it is very hot for me, the current temperature reads 98.6F with a feeling of 99.4F, I don't know but this seems to be the high temp for the day. This makes it so hard for me to go outside since I get dizzy, light headed and very lethargic. Needless to say, I dislike summer a bit more than I dislike winter, even if it is 6 months long and temperatures are subzero...In winter at least I cover up and go inside, plus I'm always hot anyway, in summer if I go out I get heat exhaustion and like I said, feel so lethargic, but since I stay inside I freeze with the AC on and it's so annoying! Ugh. Add to the mix that I've stopped drinking coffee and cut way down on soda pop. (Recently, I seem to want only ice water, decaf tea lattes, and lemonade.) Also, the resident Psych got me off the medication for the depression and anxiety a couple weeks ago. So I'm basically a very cranky, dizzy, anxious mix of hormones, boy do I feel for my husband. He will definitely earn sainthood before he even dies :-)

So, I believe that because I don't take the medication any more, I have these really weird lucid dreams, and when I take naps I suddenly awake with my heart racing and I'm shaking. Deep inside I hope that I someday don't need to take any medication for depression, but I know that after baby was born it only took three months for the mood to go really down and the post partum to increase the "regular" depression when the resident Psych put me back on the meds. I am praying so very much that this time some miracle will come our way and post partum won't come along to screw things up.


We took a quick trip last week. We went to the Zoo. It was fun, but I was so tired and hot and sticky, and it wasn't even as hot as it is today!  Our little daughter is still is too little to notice most animals especially those who are napping, but she still enjoyed the fish, birds and any other big animal which moved significantly for her to notice.

It was a nice time and because I was on vacation, I ate anything and everything I got my hands on, my husband was a bit impressed, but I was hungry! I am trying not to eat all the time, but being so anxious all the time sure isn't fun...  

Last few weeks

Christmas was good. I only had a few mood swings but nothing drastic or bad enough to make me get into trouble with J or other relatives. At least, that's my impression!
New Year's was ok, I managed to stay up and receive the New Year and toast with J. Romantic-wise, it's getting a bit better, too, so I guess he's probably grateful that part  of me is "coming back" a little at a time, at least. I actually don't feel like abhorring him anymore so I'm grateful that part of me is going away since I did marry the guy :-)

Little P is doing so good she's the cutest little thing in the whole world and I love her with all my being. I get so tired as the night sets in every day though, I pray that God has us ion his good list and sends us the grace so that I can manage to work out soon. It's awkward because she nurses and I feel like a cow, I can get over the cow thing but I'd never nursed a baby before and although it's been going well and I'm thankful for this I resent "being a slave to the pump or the baby" and how I at least should be happy that I can sleep through the night without P wanting to eat anymore. I know I can leave her with a sitter while I work out, but I'd have to pay the sitter, pay the gym fee, or pay the gym fee somewhere where babysitting is also available which is so expensive. Where there's a will there's a way, now I need to find the funds to get this going. I know deep inside this will benefit everyone, right?

At least for now I'm eating a little better, a little more on the side of how mindful I was when I was single and when I was so in tune with what my body wanted instead of what my newborn needs from me...

Between the farm, the zoo and the fair...

So I manage to justify the monumental waste of time. Are we all just a bunch of slackers? Toggling between the Farm, the Zoo and the Fair, in my case...why are these idiotic "games" so addicting? Why is organizing my closet/dresser, the kitchen cabinets, office supplies, documents, etc. less enticing than wasting time harvesting crops, feeding baby animals or building games for the little fair???

Will it make me less moody if I keep it up? Will the chaos in my mind and the heaviness in my body decrease if I stop playing the little games on FB?

Does anyone have the answer to this puzzle? Does this puzzle anyone else?