Didn't make my wallet fatter but...

at least the stress level went a bit down.


My wallet...





See, when you share your troubles with your loved ones they seem to take responsibility for whatever is troubling you if it affects them. So I am thankful that I at least was heard and since I asked for help, I was open to solutions. I can't say our problems are fixed but at least I feel we are more of a team now than we were before I reached out for help.

We still have to get caught up and I don't know how long that will take, with a baby on the way and a toddler to be 11 and a half month old at home. See I know we can trim more fat from our monthly expenses, but imagine if we didn't already try to conserve as much as we can? We do all this:

• We hardly ever eat out, which means 98% of our meals are at home,
• we cloth diaper, we line dry most of our clothes,
• we've been driving less,
• we bring our own coffe/tea to work,
• we sack our lunches,
• we put the gym on hold,
• we're selling one of the cars (If you're interested in the Jetta, let me know!),
• we have a vegetable garden (which I hope will give us good veggies this year, if the rabbit stops eating my broccoli),
• we live in a very modest small house, which means our mortgage payment is rather low,
• I made the baby's food when she started solids, and all she eats now are homemade meals and snacks, but she stopped nursing at 10 months so we compensate with formula, so that added an expense
• we shop at Sam's for some things and other things at the grocery store with shopping lists, and an awareness of how much money we have available for food-grocery items,
• we recycle and get reward points for it, then I trade some points for baby food items or "green" house cleaning supplies,
• we are mindful of our energy, water, and gas use, and monitor how much it increases or decreases month to month and the factors that lead to these fluctuations
• we don't shop, window shop, or internet shop, unless it's for necessary items (i.e. diaper soap or diaper covers, which we'll keep using with next baby, so expense pays for itself after the first 7 or 9 days of not using disposable diapers)

We've concluded that what takes most of our money away are the "second class necessary" payments, such as:

• student loan,
• cell phones (we don't have a land line and we do have one of the lowest rate family plans,
• I've been considering switching to Magic Jack and shut the cell phone out or use a pay as yo go phone but I'm not convinced yet),
• credit card 'pay-down',
• an old hospital bill,
• internet (again we carry the lowest rate service),
• Dish (we hate it and we're in the process of downgrading the plan until we can cancel the service without shelling out the $200 fee if cancelled before the contract expires).

These are the most significant mone busters in our life. And we're working on eliminating them or at least reducing some of their costs.

We still are commited to our emergency fund and put money in it every month, and at work we automatically contribute to our retirement accounts, but I'd like to do more since my contribution was cut 50% when I went part time without the possibility to contribute the difference to my IRA Roth outside work due to our other expenses.

I still worry a bit about our money situation, but I know now that I'm not alone, I just hope we keep talking about this and not fall into the 'ignoring is better pattern' we were in up until a few weeks ago.

What do you all do to "save money" or better said "not spend more than you need"?

On being a mother and other things

My mom and I ca. 1985

I'm intrigued about whether my mom shaped me to be a successful, forgiving individual and whether I became more depressed, resentful, and bitter after I stopped having constant contact with her.
See, I was always with her when I was a little girl, she protected me, and nurtured me and only as an adult have I come to understand how much hurt and chaos and pain she had in her life with my father, but as far as I'm concerned, even as I grew up and became a young adult I was always her child and she has never ever abandoned me.
She says I talked at about 9 months, I can believe that; she has always told me so many stories of when I was a baby or a toddler, of things I can't remember and they are so sweet. I can hear myself talk to my baby daughter like my mom probably talked to me. But I'm probably not as good as my mom was, and this saddens me.  I am afraid that although I've developed a strong bond with my baby daughter, it is probably tainted (I was reading Attachment and Adult Relationships: How the Attachment Bond Shapes Adult Relationships) because I've been depressed, impatient, tired, frustrated, and honestly quite resentful and bitter because of our old house and monetary problems.
I don't think my mom suffered from depression until I was maybe a little older, and if she has had bouts with it, they have totally been circumstantial and temporay. My mom is an optimist, a joy to all her friends and her grandchildren have enjoyed her (until they turn into teenagers and forget about her) because she is so loving and funny to them.
I miss her so much. She's in central Mexico, about 1200 miles away or two flights away, or a three day drive away. And one of the hardest things for me about now raising little P is not having my mom close by, so they can enjoy each other and I can cherish my mom's company.
Last year she came to be with me a few weeks before my baby was born and stayed a few months after and I can't remember having such an amazing time with her before then. We would go for walks every evening with my huge belly and slow pace and she would help me in the vegetable garden, then after baby was born we would take her with us for our walks when she wasn't napping, but every time I strolled along with my mom, I swear I almost peed my pants  because she would tell me the funniest things. This summer I have had some really hard days, I stopped taking the zoloft in late May, after I found out we're expecting our second child. But even while I was taking the medication, when I take baby in her stroller on "grandma's walking route" a bittersweet stream of feelings overcomes my heart and I wish she were there with me.

I just wish I will be as good a mom as she is, she does have some flaws, can be dictatorial and critical and is probably a bit helicopterish, at least she was, when I was growing up, but I guess I didn't turn to be a criminal or a worse off woman because of her. My father's alcoholism and emotional abuse has probably more to do with my ailments, but that's for another post. My mom tried to shelter me, but as we all know the codependent spouse can only shelter so much. Her path has been so interesting, I could talk for hours about her life, because she talked for hours about it with me. It would annoy the crap out of me at the time, but I know better now.

I see my husband and I know his parents were so different than mine, his birth order is different than mine, his sociocultural environment when growing up way different than mine, and you can see he's a very resiliant individual but I'm afraid that the cornerstone of his insecurities, emotional disconnect, feeling stuffing, and inability to pursue real success and make of himself someone greater than he ever imagined lies on the attachment, or lack of, with his mother.
All he has ever achieved he has achieved on his own, without anyone on his cheering squad, only after he's done something has he recieved some congratulatory comment, if any.  (I'm by no means saying his parents are bad people, just saying the ambition and willingness to help their children believe the sky's the limit wasn't present when my husband was a young man). This takes a toll on our marriage and our financial situation.
I was raised (by an enthusiastic mom) to go and get, to never feel ashamed of being smart (go figure!), to go to the beat of my own drum, and if someone had a problem with it, to know someone had my back. I'm becoming a worm, digging deeper in the dirt to not even suggest that I can conquer the world, that we can bring more money home if he chooses to be the stay at home parent or redirect his goals and take a more realistic approach to the fact that his speech may be the reason as to why he can't and probably will not advance in the financial field, that we could be so much better off if we both had the guts to "go and get", to "stand up and do" and stop resting in our laurels and pretend that where we're at is good enough, when it isn't.
I started off in this relationship being very dominant, wrong approach of course, because, this far into it, it was easier to join him than to change him, our finances are a mess and our lifestyle, plain mediocre; and this, of course makes the depression worse when it lurks around the corner. Then I have no validity in his eyes, "because I'm ill". It's a vicious cycle. Then I want to go to my mom and hide in her arms...or at least go for a walk with her on a summer evening...

what is your point, exactly? You're pissing me off!

I know you're up there, please hear me!

It is one of those nights where I constantly wonder what the hell I'm doing here. There has to be a reason, I know, and if I walk by Faith and works I shouldn't question this.
However, I snap with husband~ hence the title of this post due to the whole work thing and becoming aware that people look at this space during work hours and how this is not intended for that and my husband lecturing me and finally my having to edit-remove my previous post,
due to my considering doing a bit of housecleaning on FB,
due to hormones,
due to the goddamn clogged sink and the nausea it brings me,
due to the inability to work in the garden because I seem to have developed a fear and disgust of snakes,
due to my frustration with our budget and the cost of life,
due to my increasing weight,
due to my clothes not fitting,
due to not really trusting someone else with my daughter,
due to not exercising as I must,
due to our work schedules (circle back to not trusting others with my daughter and the frustrating budget)
...one of those nights where the the back ache is so strong, the silence is so thick, the size of the house really tiny, the old stove and sink too old, the basement a damn dungeon, and the only thing that breathes love and hope is my daughter, so innocent and beautiful, so perfect.
And I realize that's what I'm doing here, that's what I'm here for now. No matter how broke I am, how broken I feel, no matter how many times I ask myself how long I can live like this, in this house about to fall apart, where we can at least afford the mortgage and attempt to leave within our means. No matter how many times I try to find the moment in time where I stopped being prosperous and began sinking into mediocrity, or when I let envy and pride sneak into my heart. There's someone who needs me and always smiles at me, just for me, for who I am in her eyes, at least for now, when she is so small and tender and miraculously innocent and full of God's love.
And in her world, there is no money, no work schedules, no fear, there are no bitter tears. And I pray I can be strong for her, and I pray we can get ahead, and I pray for resentments to vanish in all areas of my life. 

just when I'm about to compliment you...

You blow it by being a pig.
Just when I'm about to express how proud I am of you for being faithful and not a disgusting member of the male gender, you show your g'damn true colors and prove that you have a wandering eye, too. How disappointing.
On the other side of the coin, though, it probably has nothing to do with you...see, in my insecure being lurks the shame of myself, that I'm not good looking enough, that I've become this frumpy, fat, tired, gloomy woman that you shouldn't even bare to look at. And still you do. And still you want me. Maybe because I'm all you've got.
I just was made aware today that you are a normal man and that there may be after all,   always the possibility of you liking other women...especially those who look like models, you're just reasonable, right?

Last few weeks

Christmas was good. I only had a few mood swings but nothing drastic or bad enough to make me get into trouble with J or other relatives. At least, that's my impression!
New Year's was ok, I managed to stay up and receive the New Year and toast with J. Romantic-wise, it's getting a bit better, too, so I guess he's probably grateful that part  of me is "coming back" a little at a time, at least. I actually don't feel like abhorring him anymore so I'm grateful that part of me is going away since I did marry the guy :-)

Little P is doing so good she's the cutest little thing in the whole world and I love her with all my being. I get so tired as the night sets in every day though, I pray that God has us ion his good list and sends us the grace so that I can manage to work out soon. It's awkward because she nurses and I feel like a cow, I can get over the cow thing but I'd never nursed a baby before and although it's been going well and I'm thankful for this I resent "being a slave to the pump or the baby" and how I at least should be happy that I can sleep through the night without P wanting to eat anymore. I know I can leave her with a sitter while I work out, but I'd have to pay the sitter, pay the gym fee, or pay the gym fee somewhere where babysitting is also available which is so expensive. Where there's a will there's a way, now I need to find the funds to get this going. I know deep inside this will benefit everyone, right?

At least for now I'm eating a little better, a little more on the side of how mindful I was when I was single and when I was so in tune with what my body wanted instead of what my newborn needs from me...