Subject: catch up

Subject: catch up

Heyo… I was just thinking that I really hope we can catch up this weekend, seems like a lifetime since I last saw you 

Having and keeping and nurturing friends as a grown up, busy, crazy, mom is so darn challenging! I feel like I only have a handful of true friends left, but they live so far away and I only have contact with them online, that’s when facebook is a wonder; basically, I only have you here in town and A, but she is gone until the end of the month!  See the thing is that slowly, all the gals who I thought were friends since moving here have left my life mostly because even after demonstrating how much I cared about them, I don’t think they have understood the way I am and the boundaries I actually do set as the friendship progresses. However sad it has been I’ve also been angry and disappointed with their attitudes and in the end, my mom is right, in friendship as in any other relationship, when we let people go we realize how important our presence is in their lives when no matter what you stick around for each other. I believe you and I have remained friends thus far because we both respect the other’s limits, understand that work, husbands and daughters take our energy and we sometimes fear we’re going mad(der)  and we both want the other to get to heaven!! That’s what we’re about. I love you. I hope we stay friends a long time.

Another one bites the dust...

Good Riddance... True friends are hard to come by, and when you have them, nourish your relationship with love and kindness, acceptance and most of all, friendship is a no-judgement zone, free of envious and selfish intentions, a place where no matter how much your friend shines if she's truly special to you, you'll love being in her presence without feeling out-shined. 
Yes, I've been in rehab for binge drinking and not being kind to myself, and in the psych ward when I needed help with depression, but this makes me stronger and able to look at people for who they are, without judgement, and see their tru colors, or if they are fake and pretentious, forgetting where they come from and bulldozing others who have always been there when they ask for help, regardless of how small or ugly or old my house is, it has always been open.
I am strong, beautiful, secure of myself, educated, honest, straight forward, LOVING and LOVABLE. My true friends are able to see me as such, don't judge me and encourage my ideas and personal choices no matter what.
As for you, you know who you are: For over eight years I tried to be your friend, opened the doors of my home and my heart, was always there whenever you called, encouraged your ideas and was always myself, never up or down, just me, you judged and criticized, weren't willing to help when I needed you during my citizenship process, and treated me like crap.
God bless you, truly, may you find and keep the happiness you boast to have and the material wealth you long to possess. May your thoughts and life be truly full of the peace you brag about and full of the awesomeness that surrounds you. I hope you face your demons soon so that the need to steal other people's ideas and greed don't propel you into action. Keep faking til you make it!

what is your point, exactly? You're pissing me off!

I know you're up there, please hear me!

It is one of those nights where I constantly wonder what the hell I'm doing here. There has to be a reason, I know, and if I walk by Faith and works I shouldn't question this.
However, I snap with husband~ hence the title of this post due to the whole work thing and becoming aware that people look at this space during work hours and how this is not intended for that and my husband lecturing me and finally my having to edit-remove my previous post,
due to my considering doing a bit of housecleaning on FB,
due to hormones,
due to the goddamn clogged sink and the nausea it brings me,
due to the inability to work in the garden because I seem to have developed a fear and disgust of snakes,
due to my frustration with our budget and the cost of life,
due to my increasing weight,
due to my clothes not fitting,
due to not really trusting someone else with my daughter,
due to not exercising as I must,
due to our work schedules (circle back to not trusting others with my daughter and the frustrating budget)
...one of those nights where the the back ache is so strong, the silence is so thick, the size of the house really tiny, the old stove and sink too old, the basement a damn dungeon, and the only thing that breathes love and hope is my daughter, so innocent and beautiful, so perfect.
And I realize that's what I'm doing here, that's what I'm here for now. No matter how broke I am, how broken I feel, no matter how many times I ask myself how long I can live like this, in this house about to fall apart, where we can at least afford the mortgage and attempt to leave within our means. No matter how many times I try to find the moment in time where I stopped being prosperous and began sinking into mediocrity, or when I let envy and pride sneak into my heart. There's someone who needs me and always smiles at me, just for me, for who I am in her eyes, at least for now, when she is so small and tender and miraculously innocent and full of God's love.
And in her world, there is no money, no work schedules, no fear, there are no bitter tears. And I pray I can be strong for her, and I pray we can get ahead, and I pray for resentments to vanish in all areas of my life. 

oh the drama, and I let it get to me

What a rush. We must be addicts to feeling lousy, or to the reaction or rise we get from others when we treat them like shit. I know I fell for it, like the recovering alcoholic I am... I got my fix of adrenaline from the anger I felt, after "letting" her use me as her dart board. Hook, line, and sinker...she lured me, I bit, and then she reeled me in, chewed me and spat me out. And since it seems we're all in kindergarten and dysfunctional individuals, with zero sense of accountability she proceeded to justify her low blow and blame me for having been rude to me. As the codependent old me, I felt like an idiot "because of her".
Please don't feel bad for me though. I did initially express my dissatisfaction assertively, and in a healthy and workplace appropriate way tried to establish a boundary. Then the rage was stronger. I did honestly wish for her day to get better, I'm sure it did after vomiting poison all around her.

What a great start of my week. What a blessing having a job is, right? We get to be around such healthy and inspiring individuals and their joy is so contagious. I would like to scream. Mornings like today and I want to scream, I can't take it anymore. What saved me was my self awareness, I chose to stop the thread and not drag the drama into my home, I chose not to be mean with my family, I chose to be honest, open and loving, I chose to go on and do what I need to do, to care for those I love and to feel their love. I chose to be a better me.
Hey I'm still on the road, I don't know when I'll get there...freedom is health, spiritual bliss, peace, love, hope.